Moscow claims Kabuthian craft from the Orion Spur crashed into Moskva

"Citizens of Russia, our superior technology had been tracking an alien craft from the Andromeda Galaxy heading towards Earth for a number of months. We did not wish to cause alarm for the peoples of the planet as we are a peace-loving nation. We attempted to set up a task force to repel the potential attack, which we calculated would make landfall in the south of Ukraine.

"Sadly, we must now inform you that whilst repelling that craft our flagship, the Moskva was hit by a Shrödinger Raygun which incapacitated, and then sank it. Consequently, the crew have been killed and are very much alive. We hope this clears up any misunderstanding created by the false news perpetrated by the Western powers".

Russian warship spontaneously combusts

Asked if the flagship of the Black Sea Fleet had been struck by a Ukrainian missile, the Almost As Great Dictator was adamant. “No it just caught fire. You know, steel… it’s pretty flammable stuff. I never let Alina have steel cookware in our kitchen. We have to think of the children.”

Western analysts were not taken by the deflection but are puzzled as to whether he thought it was better state propaganda to admit an enemy was capable of damaging a vessel possessing three kinds of missile defence, or to admit that his most important naval asset in the region was just a hazardous pile of self-combustible crap from the beginning.

Warship Battleship Sms Moltke - Free photo on Pixabay

Johnson looking for donor to pay his fine

With Russian donors sanctioned, the Conservatives are turning to Lords and Ladies of the Realm to pay their Partygate fines. 'It is unconscionable for a sitting Prime Minister to be found guilty of breaking laws he created and expect him to pay the penalty,' suggested a Conservative spokesman. A number 10 spokesman has suggested that an offcut from the living room wallpaper could be used in lieu of actual payment.

In the meantime the Prime Minister, who has suggested there might be a tear in the space/time continuum, has insisted that a special scientific enquiry should be undertaken to prove or disprove the theory. 'Should only take about ten years to appoint suitable people to run the enquiry, and another fifty to build a time distorting machine to test the theory, plus maybe another fifty to work out how to go back in time to mend the fabric. Then we can decide if the fines need to be paid,' said the Prime Minister, noting that Russian donors might be back on the scene by then.