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Russian Oligarch Considers Buying 'Neighbours'




'Unlike my mate Putin, I'm not in favour of taking over neighbours by force', said the oligarch today. 'For some reason, doing that seems to upset a lot of people. And it can do quite a lot of damage. Why risk damaging something which you wish to acquire? With a little understanding...you can find the perfect place. Da-de-dum'


'Money shouldn't be a problem; all I need to do is sell a few footy clubs, yachts & £multi-squillion central London properties. And it's not as though there is anywhere else I could spend my money at the moment anyway. I quite fancy investing on Oz; it's not as dull and rainy as London, where the weather can be almost as grim as back home in the Democratic People's Paradise.'


'So - wish me luck, Comrade sorry, sorry, Sport. G'day.


Hat-tip stewartbarclay


Johnson will allow some refugees in UK but only in if they bid to play him at tennis first




Boris Johnson has told fleeing Ukranian refugees they would be able to enter the UK on a visa but only if they bid in an auction to play him at tennis and make donations to the Conservative party.


Mr Johnson said it was only fair that Ukranian refugees faced the same level of rigorous checks and balances that super rich Russian oligarchs faced when they first came to the UK.


Assessing the tennis skills of wealthy individuals wanting to become UK citizens had been a very effective way of establishing whether they were suitable or not. Other ways of assessing a persons character include a game of bridge with a Tory peer and attending a gymkhana event at your local pony club.


The PM said the plight of Ukranians fleeing their country was of great concern to the UK but they had to show just how serious they were about wanting to escape the threat of Russian bombs.


‘And what better way to show how desperate you are to escape death than to make a huge donation to the Conservative party’ said the PM ‘it shows a willingness to fit in.


And as a goodwill gesture to our Ukrainian friends we won’t be asking the women and children to establish their source of wealth’.


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