'Unlike my mate Putin, I'm not in favour of taking over neighbours by force', said the oligarch today. 'For some reason, doing that seems to upset a lot of people. And it can do quite a lot of damage. Why risk damaging something which you wish to acquire? With a little understanding...you can find the perfect place. Da-de-dum'
'Money shouldn't be a problem; all I need to do is sell a few footy clubs, yachts & £multi-squillion central London properties. And it's not as though there is anywhere else I could spend my money at the moment anyway. I quite fancy investing on Oz; it's not as dull and rainy as London, where the weather can be almost as grim as back home in the Democratic People's Paradise.'
'So - wish me luck, Comrade sorry, sorry, Sport. G'day.