top of page
Search

Johnson will allow some refugees in UK but only in if they bid to play him at tennis first




Boris Johnson has told fleeing Ukranian refugees they would be able to enter the UK on a visa but only if they bid in an auction to play him at tennis and make donations to the Conservative party.


Mr Johnson said it was only fair that Ukranian refugees faced the same level of rigorous checks and balances that super rich Russian oligarchs faced when they first came to the UK.


Assessing the tennis skills of wealthy individuals wanting to become UK citizens had been a very effective way of establishing whether they were suitable or not. Other ways of assessing a persons character include a game of bridge with a Tory peer and attending a gymkhana event at your local pony club.


The PM said the plight of Ukranians fleeing their country was of great concern to the UK but they had to show just how serious they were about wanting to escape the threat of Russian bombs.


‘And what better way to show how desperate you are to escape death than to make a huge donation to the Conservative party’ said the PM ‘it shows a willingness to fit in.


And as a goodwill gesture to our Ukrainian friends we won’t be asking the women and children to establish their source of wealth’.




First published 12Mar 2022


If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?

















Tickets for Paddington reach £2.4bn


Families hoping to see Paddington at London’s Savoy Theatre this Christmas are having to pay upwards of one million pounds for a ticket– and that’s for seats with a restricted view.


The best seats in the stalls are priced at £1000 each, while the seats at the front of the Dress Circle are selling for £2.4bn each, leading front-of-house staff to dub it Oligarchs’ Row. The much sort after boxes are priced like small countries. Fifteen trillion pounds gets you an unimpeded view, plus Veuve Clicquot champagne and caviar, or, if you’d rather, a small country such as Paddington’s beloved Peru, gift-wrapped and sent to the Kremlin.


The pricing of West End shows has long been a subject of debate, with many observers saying the rot set in with Cabaret. But that show’s top price tickets of £600 seems insignificant next to Paddington


A spokesman for Chunky Cut Orange Marmalade, Paddington’s producers, said: “We accept that it is a lot of money for families, particularly during a cost-of-living crisis. But what you have to remember is that you are seeing quality theatre delivered by a cast, a whole team comprising musicians and lighting specialists, all working at the top of their game. And don’t forget, our two-legged, sometimes four-legged hero, gets through a lot of marmalade.”


Ah yes, Paddington himself. SPOILER ALERT. Now some people are under the illusion that the bear is a cleverly designed costume-cum-puppet operated by an actor. But this is nonsense! Paddington is a real bear! His finest moment comes after the curtain calls when he climbs to the roof of the theatre to find a handful of avid theatre fans gathered around the air-conditioning vents through which they can just about hear snatches of the songs. Their seats are not restricted view; they are no view at all.


To their disbelief and delight, Paddington introduces himself with his customary politeness and then says: “Here, I saved these for you”, and hands them each a marmalade sandwich.  The experience will stay with them their whole lives, while the oligarchs are already invading another country.


Author: Jamie Dodger



bottom of page