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Venomous reptile on plane just Suella returning from Rwanda




A very scary cold-blooded creature discovered on an aeroplane flying over Africa turned out to be the Home Secretary, Suella Braverman.


It is thought that the slithering serpent boarded the plane in Rwanda and thankfully disembarked without sinking those vicious fangs into anyone aboard the flight.


The pilot was dismissive of claims that he was a hero, however. ‘I just tried to keep calm and make sure everyone got off that plane safely’, he said


. ‘I have no idea what I’d have done if it was a really poisonous, evil, slimy little snake like that Michael Gove.’




First published 7 April 2023


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Tories offer to get young people on Rwandan Housing Ladder


Speaking to a room of seats at the Conservative Party Conference, the shadow chancellor announced a merger of classic policies to create a new incentive; young people can buy a house by renting for a period, then having this count towards a discount on the property in the suburbs of Kigali.


'This generation dream of home ownership, but find all the properties in their budget have already been bought by landlords paying cash,' said the chancellor. 'Obviously, we don't want to upset those landlords as they're likely party members, and we gave so much money to the Rwandan government when we were in power that we figured this was a good way to maximise the return on the investment.'


Speaking to the press after the announcement, a party official elaborated on the idea, telling us, 'The young will love Kigali: the weather is good, the internet is fast, and the whole country has been genocide-free for at least five years. And if they get tired of life in paradise, then they can trek across the Sahara and Mediterranean, traverse their way across Europe, and pay a people trafficker to bring them back to the UK on a small boat.'




French customs officials ‘enjoying halcyon new life’ in Rwanda



British holidaymakers currently enjoying the endless bucket-and-spade paradise that is the M20 have been given further reasons to cheer as the government confirmed the successful removal of French border Agency officials to begin a new life on the sunlit upveldts of Rwanda.


Reporting on the triumph of Operation They Look A Bit Foreign, a Home Office Spokesperson said: ‘The suspiciously chic individuals were apprehended by British Border Police soon after setting Gucci loafers and kitten heels on British Soil. Organised and efficient, they were clearly up to no good, and while we sympathise with their understandable wish to leave France, decisive action ensured their swift transportation- I mean, deportation- to country clamouring to give a five-star resettlement experience to thousands of traumatised exiles, despite being unable to supply 50% of its own population with fresh drinking water.


‘It’s yet another example of the French authorities turning a blind eye and foisting their undesirables onto our caring, compassionate, humane nation. Happily we were able to pop a potato sack over their heads and whisk them off to RAF Brize Norton for an invigorating flight rolling trussed around the floor of a de Havilland Albatross, before you could say: “That’ll teach you not to get hepatitis, typhoid, cholera, malaria, yellow fever, rabies and meningitis jabs, Sonny Jacques”.


‘Rest assured we’re retaliating in the strongest possible diplomatic terms: Dominic Raab, Jeremy Clarkson, that bloke off the Go Compare adverts and a DVD of Mrs Brown’s Boys are currently rowing across to France in an inflatable under cover of darkness. With a strong prevailing 30-mile tailback, I can confirm they’ve made it as far as Maidstone Services.’


First published 28 Jul 2022


image from pixabay


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