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'Is Rwanda in Wales?' Your migration questions answered



Thinking of visiting the UK? Think again. Britain is much further away then you might have expected. In fact London is situated a few degrees south of the Equator, on the border of Uganda.


Should you reach the UK you will be bundled onto a waiting aircraft, by kindly men with tasers. After a quick cavity search and interrogation, you will frog-marched to the nearest exit.


The flight will last several hours, unless you are dropped in the Mediterranean en route. You might think the bag on your head is optional. It's not.




First published 15 April 2022



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Stoats removed from Orkney sent to Rwanda

The RSPB have announced that the 6500 stoats removed from the Orkney islands, allowing threatened birds and voles on the archipelago to flourish, have now been processed by the Home Office and rehomed in Rwanda.


'It really was the most humane thing to do,' said Cetti Warbler, head of the project. 'We met firm resistance at the idea of putting the stoats in locations on the mainland, particularly from packs of weasels - most notably the Reform Party - so when we found money left over from the previous government for the Rwanda project, it wasn't hard to change a few words in the documents and it was off to Kigali with them all.'


In Kirkwall many were delighted with the news, with local birdwatcher Angus Twitcher most vocal of them all, telling us, 'It's a great day for our feathered friends on Orkney, which means it's a boon for our tourism industry as people will -if you'll pardon the pun - flock back to see our beautiful wildlife. In fact, the only person who's upset by this is wee Jock, who'd made a deal with the new Labour government to keep them supplied with all the Ermine they needed to make new members of the House of Lords.'


Over in Kigali, manager of the Government Migrant facility Obren H'otel is getting used to his new guests. 'They're smelly, wild, and ravenous for eggs,' he remarked. 'But our staff are well prepared for that thanks to being trained at some of Benidorm's finest three-star resorts and serving the English holidaymakers.'




Sunak 'really regrets' not extending Rwanda law




A spokesman for the current Prime Minister, which at the time of writing is still, unbelievably, understood to be Rishi Sunak has confirmed that the PM has expressed real regrets over the timing of his General Election announcement last month.


'With the roaring success of declaring Rwanda a safe place he now realises that he should have gone for the Columbo supplementary statement - just one more thing before I go to the polls - and should have written that all six hundred or so constituencies up and down the country were also, in the eyes of the law, safe.  Seats that is, for Tory candidates.


'He believes we could have gone for the five-week election run-up, cared not one jot if he inadvertently handed the opposition a free pass through screwing up his campaign (known to happen), then after the count install Tory candidates in every constituency safe seat regardless of the vote.


'He knows it might seem undemocratic, but surely no more undemocratic than the Rwanda is officially safe scam, sorry, scheme but once completed there wouldn't be anyone left in opposition to stop him formalising it,' said the spokesman, adding, 'actually, we think he believes he did all of this.  I'd bet on it.  Ooops'

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