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First immigrants sent to Rwanda 'disappointed' flights are by Ryanair



Following weeks of desperate escape from war torn regions, and a terrifying encounter with Priti Patel after an 'interesting' journey across the English Channel, the first illegal immigrants, or refugees as they are sometimes referred as, have expressed 'deep regret' that they may now scheduled to fly to Rwanda by Ryanair.


'I can take the delays and the lousy airport food, but the 'upgrade' from a free seat to one with padding, arms, back and seat; the 'optional extra' for use of the indoor toilet in-flight for a surcharge, the charge for mediocre sandwiches at exorbitant prices and the mind boggling surcharges for one carry-on, two carry-ons or carry-ons with hold baggage that fail to address my handkerchief-tied-to-a stick luggage requirement,' said one of the first customers today. A spokesperson claiming to be from Ryanair said their pricing was fair and transparent, but insisted the length of the stick must not exceed 60cm, else a £20 - £40 surcharge will be payable, depending on the time of day.


Other travellers on the inaugural Rwanda flights are more pragmatic. 'It's a sh!t destination,' agreed one of them, 'but according to a spokesperson the nearest provincial airport to Kigali International Airport in Rwanda is Beauvais Tillé Airport in France, so I'll just hitch-hike back to Calais and jump on a li-lo,' he said.


image from pixabay


First published 9 June 2022



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'Is Rwanda in Wales?' Your migration questions answered



Thinking of visiting the UK? Think again. Britain is much further away then you might have expected. In fact London is situated a few degrees south of the Equator, on the border of Uganda.


Should you reach the UK you will be bundled onto a waiting aircraft, by kindly men with tasers. After a quick cavity search and interrogation, you will frog-marched to the nearest exit.


The flight will last several hours, unless you are dropped in the Mediterranean en route. You might think the bag on your head is optional. It's not.




First published 15 April 2022



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Stoats removed from Orkney sent to Rwanda

The RSPB have announced that the 6500 stoats removed from the Orkney islands, allowing threatened birds and voles on the archipelago to flourish, have now been processed by the Home Office and rehomed in Rwanda.


'It really was the most humane thing to do,' said Cetti Warbler, head of the project. 'We met firm resistance at the idea of putting the stoats in locations on the mainland, particularly from packs of weasels - most notably the Reform Party - so when we found money left over from the previous government for the Rwanda project, it wasn't hard to change a few words in the documents and it was off to Kigali with them all.'


In Kirkwall many were delighted with the news, with local birdwatcher Angus Twitcher most vocal of them all, telling us, 'It's a great day for our feathered friends on Orkney, which means it's a boon for our tourism industry as people will -if you'll pardon the pun - flock back to see our beautiful wildlife. In fact, the only person who's upset by this is wee Jock, who'd made a deal with the new Labour government to keep them supplied with all the Ermine they needed to make new members of the House of Lords.'


Over in Kigali, manager of the Government Migrant facility Obren H'otel is getting used to his new guests. 'They're smelly, wild, and ravenous for eggs,' he remarked. 'But our staff are well prepared for that thanks to being trained at some of Benidorm's finest three-star resorts and serving the English holidaymakers.'




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