French customs officials ‘enjoying halcyon new life’ in Rwanda

British holidaymakers currently enjoying the endless bucket-and-spade paradise that is the M20 have been given further reasons to cheer as the government confirmed the successful removal of French border Agency officials to begin a new life on the sunlit upveldts of Rwanda.

Reporting on the triumph of Operation They Look A Bit Foreign, a Home Office Spokesperson said: ‘The suspiciously chic individuals were apprehended by British Border Police soon after setting Gucci loafers and kitten heels on British Soil. Organised and efficient, they were clearly up to no good, and while we sympathise with their understandable wish to leave France, decisive action ensured their swift transportation- I mean, deportation- to country clamouring to give a five-star resettlement experience to thousands of traumatised exiles, despite being unable to supply 50% of its own population with fresh drinking water.

‘It’s yet another example of the French authorities turning a blind eye and foisting their undesirables onto our caring, compassionate, humane nation. Happily we were able to pop a potato sack over their heads and whisk them off to RAF Brize Norton for an invigorating flight rolling trussed around the floor of a de Havilland Albatross, before you could say: “That’ll teach you not to get hepatitis, typhoid, cholera, malaria, yellow fever, rabies and meningitis jabs, Sonny Jacques”.

‘Rest assured we’re retaliating in the strongest possible diplomatic terms: Dominic Raab, Jeremy Clarkson, that bloke off the Go Compare adverts and a DVD of Mrs Brown’s Boys are currently rowing across to France in an inflatable under cover of darkness. With a strong prevailing 30-mile tailback, I can confirm they’ve made it as far as Maidstone Services.’

image from pixabay

Priti Patel deports Sir Mo Farah to Rwanda

A spokesperson for the Home Secretary has confirmed that Olympic Gold medallist Sir Mo Farah is to be deported to Rwanda. 'The Home Secretary is very clear on this - Sir Mo has admitted to entering the UK illegally, has lied about his citizenship and has deprived other UK runners of gold medals. In her opinion he needs to be on the next flight to Rwanda, and sharpish. In the meantime he will be tagged and his trainers will be confiscated, in case he does a runner - boy that man can be quick,' he said.

The Home Secretary is said to be mindful that her days to be mean are likely limited and sees this as the crowning accolade to her career. The spokesperson added, 'of course the gold medals will be awarded to a suitable British sportsman to ensure the UK keeps it's medal tally for the 2012 Olympics. The Home Secretary is said to be leaning to award them to outgoing Prime Minister Boris Johnson who, unlike Sir Mo Farah, has been consistently truthful all through his career. Sorry, consistently untruthful. But at any rate, consistent.'

image from pixabay

Officials convince Boris Johnson he's going to Rwanda for "conference"

Whitehall officials are quietly celebrating live footage of the prime-minister boarding a plane for Rwanda.

"He fell for it.", said a senior civil servant, "We told him it was a Commonwealth Conference and hinted that it might be an opportunity to chase some 'fresh tail' away from the old ball and chain and he jumped at it. He thinks the police officers on the plane are there to protect him, wait until he tries to come back again."

Positions in Rwanda for mediocre Classics scholars are said to be "limited".

Image: David_Peterson | Pixabay