First immigrants sent to Rwanda 'disappointed' flights are by Ryanair

Following weeks of desperate escape from war torn regions, and a terrifying encounter with Priti Patel after an 'interesting' journey across the English Channel, the first illegal immigrants, or refugees as they are sometimes referred as, have expressed 'deep regret' that they may now scheduled to fly to Rwanda by Ryanair.

'I can take the delays and the lousy airport food, but the 'upgrade' from a free seat to one with padding, arms, back and seat; the 'optional extra' for use of the indoor toilet in-flight for a surcharge, the charge for mediocre sandwiches at exorbitant prices and the mind boggling surcharges for one carry-on, two carry-ons or carry-ons with hold baggage that fail to address my handkerchief-tied-to-a stick luggage requirement,' said one of the first customers today. A spokesperson claiming to be from Ryanair said their pricing was fair and transparent, but insisted the length of the stick must not exceed 60cm, else a £20 - £40 surcharge will be payable, depending on the time of day.

Other travellers on the inaugural Rwanda flights are more pragmatic. 'It's a sh!t destination,' agreed one of them, 'but according to a spokesperson the nearest provincial airport to Kigali International Airport in Rwanda is Beauvais Tillé Airport in France, so I'll just hitch-hike back to Calais and jump on a li-lo,' he said.

image from pixabay

Government policy now entirely inspired by what is written on Arsenal shirts

Yet another leak from Number 10 has confirmed that the government has finally run out of innovative cruelty. To fill the gap demanded by British-based supporters of racism, the government will now purloin policy from whatever they notice written on the Gunners away kit.

'Visit Rwanda, seemed like a jolly good idea, so we posted Priti Patel there,' confirmed a spokeswoman unable to contain a smirk. 'Unfortunately, she was in possession of the nation's chequebook for a reason no one can explain and forked out for a ridiculously expensive flogging of children and an immigrant concentration camp.'

Critics of this latest round of government insanity have pointed out the obvious error. The Rwandan leadership paid Arsenal £30 million, and since the UK have now bunged Rwanda a £120 million sweetener, it is clear that Downing Street are now funding the North London team, who Keir Starmer supports.

Arsenal Football Club have denied that next week their shirts will feature an advert which reads 'Post your fixed penalty notices to Mozambique.'

'Is Rwanda in Wales?' Your migration questions answered

Thinking of visiting the UK? Think again. Britain is much further away then you might have expected. In fact London is situated a few degrees south of the Equator, on the border of Uganda.

Should you reach the UK you will be bundled onto a waiting aircraft, by kindly men with tasers. After a quick cavity search and interrogation, you will frog-marched to the nearest exit.

The flight will last several hours, unless you are dropped in the Mediterranean en route. You might think the bag on your head is optional. It's not.

Savana Animal - Free photo on Pixabay