Newly-discovered planet is 'safe'

The government is currently drafting a law declaring that a recently-discovered, 259,000 light-year-distant planet, described as a bare rock 'about half the size of that square bit of land sticking out of the left-hand side of England, covered in sheep' and which is 5,000 degrees hot, has seas full of hydrofluoric acid and an atmosphere of chlorine, is 'a safe, convenient and democratically-governed location to which unauthorised would-be immigrants may be lawfully accommodated while awaiting a decision on whether or not they are entitled to permanent residence in the UK.

'Of course it's a sensible choice,' a government spokes-bot declared 'which will deter the literally dozens of unauthorised would-be immigrants flooding to Britain every year in dangerous, ramshackle home-made clockwork flying saucers.

'And no-one need worry about logistical considerations regarding the plante's remote location.  Guests will have plenty of time to get there, have a nice relaxing break and then, if deemed admissible, eventually make their way  back to these shores, before Britain's immigration authorities have come anywhere near to making any kind of decision - about anything.'

Photo by Arnaud Mariat on Unsplash

East African split proves Rwanda isn't safe

Scientists have announced that the East African fault line means a significant part of East Africa will separate from the main part of the continent and form a new ocean between them in a timescale described as 'millions of years or however long it takes the Tories to be trusted again'.

Campaigners against the Rwanda deportation plan point out that as Rwanda is likely to be floating off sometime in the future it can't be classed as a safe place, no matter what geological legislation the government passes.  Government supporters of the plan, however, are more interested to know if a floating Rwanda is likely to be cheaper to hire than a Bibby Stockholm.

Photo by James Wiseman on Unsplash

Rwanda: ‘If Sunak is just giving it away….’

Rwanda is to advise former British colonies that if they want the UK to actually pay financial reparations for the brutality of Empire, a sure fire way to get the cash is to claim you’ll host those seeking asylum in Britain.

One Rwandan official said 'It’s no use making the perfectly reasonable argument about how Britain directly profited from slavery. All you have to do is say that you’ll take away the nasty brown people and the Conservative government in London makes in rain. You’re quids in! Suckers. I almost felt bad about taking their money – and then I thought it through for a minute and I no longer felt bad.'

The official began openly giggling 'You don’t even have to take the people.'

Image: Pixabay/PublicDomainPictures