"I have issued an official legal order imprisoning everyone who played in last weekend's Ryder Cup for un-American activities," Trump told reporters while adding his signature to some words scrawled on the back of an envelope.
"The European team are guilty of being un-American by beating our great golfing heroes at what I've decreed is our national sport.
"Lots of people are saying nowadays that golf was invented by a fat, rich, lazy American who wanted to play a game in which he could ride round in a buggy all day. That sounds a lot like me, your favourite president.
"And I'm locking up the US players for being un-American and losing to a bunch of very nasty, yoghurt-eating European liberals.
"That's despite the thousands of robot spectators we packed onto the course to chant 'USA! USA' and boo Rory McIlroy whenever he was playing a shot.
"I sentence these traitors to hard labour," ranted Trump, suppressing the urge to make a Nazi salute. "I'll make them build the White House's new Jeffrey Epstein Memorial Ballroom and serve drinks in it to Prince Andrew and all the other guests.
"Besides, they ignored my presidential orders to win the Ryder Cup by cheating," said Trump.
"How do you expect to win if you don't cheat?"
Image: markusspiske - Pixabay
