Certain cough syrups have sparked a safety concern, after an out of work nanny was caught lacing it with psychedelic chemicals. Using a spoon full of sugar to mask the taste, the hallucinating children have attested to flying and chasing animated foxes.
Allergic reactions were originally blamed on pholcodine, but evidence now points towards the chemical compound of supercalifragilistic. Sadly, it is not the first time Poppins has attempted to drug people, with many of her wards complaining of visions of dancing penguins and mockney chimney sweeps.
An unapologetic Poppins said she had no regrets about spiking the cough medicine, as it done in the most delightful way.
Updated: Nov 20, 2021
Women should flag down an aeroplane if they feel unsafe during an arrest, according to the Metropolitan Police.
New guidance issued today suggests that any woman with doubts about the credentials of an arresting officer would be perfectly entitled to radio control “Mayday! Mayday!” into the cockpit of a passing Boeing 747 and await assistance.
Alternatively, every woman could carry equipment for a makeshift runway on their person at all times – including large cat’s eyes for the landing stage and two red flags. Any normal police officer would be more than happy to wait for them to set these up, rather than completing the arrest and/or assault.
“We’re close enough in London to two major airports that this idea is perfectly feasible,” said a source, “and not at all the panicked response of an organisation desperate to shift responsibility onto others.”
The Met has faced criticism for placing the onus on women to adapt their behaviour in the wake of male violence, rather than men. But, sources inside the most senior police body in the land insisted that any pilot diverting the course of their flight by 40,000ft to help a woman on the ground would clearly be adapting their behaviour significantly, and to please stop asking difficult questions.
“Yes, protecting women and excising police misconduct should be the role of the Met,” continued the source. “But, on the other hand, if women can keep themselves safe by gesticulating to an aircraft captain as he sets out on a long haul flight to New York, then who are we to stop them? It’s just common sense.”
Confirmed one woman, “When I have a jumbo jet bearing down on me from out of the clear blue sky, I’ll still feel safer than I would alone with a policeman.”
