At least they stopped calling me Keith, says Sir Kid Starver

Friends of Keir Starmer have hailed his new rebrand as a triumph for 'sensible' politics and rickets. Having dismissed any pledge to tackle child poverty, Sir Keir went on to say he would happily strangle puppies provided Twitter stops calling him Keith.

An aide commented: 'When Thatcher got labelled a milk snatcher, it didn't hurt her image - everyone already thought she was Satan incarnate. Keir's biggest problem is being called boring, so killing kids should make him a real Edge Lord.'

The aide insisted that kids dying of malnutrition was a load of fuss about nothing. 'The simplest way for a child to avoid poverty is to purchase shares in the NHS, once we've finished privatising it.'

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'Stoppit!' Satan demands of Putin

This morning, Vladimir Putin was presented with a Cease and Desist demand from the Prince of Darkness himself – Satan – following the Russian despot's increased threats of launching his new nuclear missiles, nicknamed “The Satan 2”.

‘I’m absolutely miffed,’ claimed the ruler of Hell. ‘For years – for millennia, really – I’ve been completely misunderstood and totally misrepresented.

‘I’m not a bad guy.’ He went on ‘I give people what they want. You want money, come to me. You want fame, glory, anything fun. If you want any of the stuff that puts a smile on your face, I’ll give it to you. All I ask in return is for your eternal soul, but what’s that compared to gold wallpaper or a swimming pool in your garden?

‘I’m the fun uncle! But now this bloke has started flashing around this great bloody rocket that could destroy the world, and he’s slapped my bloody name on it! I don’t need or want that sort of publicity – I certainly don’t want to be associated with the end of the world. I can’t rule it if it’s destroyed, can I?’

A spokesman for the Devil has stated that if the Russian President does not issue an apology to Mr Satan, they will sue him for defamation of character.

Devil to claim souls of leading Tories at Halloween

With the spectre of Halloween looming, rumours are swirling that several leading Conservatives have appointments with a Mr Mephistopheles, a representative of Tory donors B L Zeebub Inc. The deals those Tories are said to have struck to secure their earthly successes will expire at midnight and their souls will be deemed oven-ready, i.e. taken to the fiery pits of hell for eternal burning. Those affected Tories have appeared more visibly nervous and twitchy than when avoiding a question about Brexit and empty shelves.

‘Who said empty souls?’ panicked a Tory grandee, flinging holy water in all directions.

A spokesdemon said: ‘Just imagine how horrific Matt Hancock’s career would have been without our evil assistance. Obviously the general population have had a terrible time as a result, but the Dark Lord considers that a collateral benefit.’

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst commented, ‘Cabinet was a little feisty, I’ve never seen so many hastily drawn pentagrams, although the volume of unholy shrieking was pretty standard. Priti Patel said that since Mephistopheles “sounds a bit Greek maybe?” he could be deported.

Boris intends to hide, disguising himself as a vagrant, drinking heavily and muttering in Latin at street pigeons. Liz Truss thought it was Mr Mistoffelees from Cats, then claimed she’d signed a trade deal with Hades. Rishi will probably flee to whichever Cayman Island he owns. Sajid Javid admitted he’d misjudged the mood by arriving dressed as a sexy nurse. Boris seemed into it though.’

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/nyfrese-4670772/

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