Appalled by Trump, God to Expand Deadly Sins list

Horrified by Donald Trump's unbridled evil, God has decided to expand the deadly sins list, adding an as yet uncertain number to the current seven. God, the top Christian, is said to be 'gobsmacked' by the depth and breadth of Trump's malignance.

'God really thought that He had pretty much covered all the possibilities with the existing seven,' said Gabriel, a close God associate. 'And then along comes this orange wanker who just blows the roof off.'

In the coming days God is expected to convene a panel of experts to determine the number and type of sins to be added to the list. An inventory of Trump's 'unforgivable acts' is currently underway, according to Gabriel. 'We're already on day 10 and we're still not done. I mean, it took the Big Guy just a week to create the whole fucking universe.

The question of Satan's influence on Trump has 'inevitably come up,' Gabriel acknowledged. 'The information we have from our agents in Hell is that old Beelzebub is as shocked as we are,' he continued. 'That said, he's apparently starting to feature Trump in some of Hell's training videos.'

A representative of Hell declined to comment for this story.

Photo by Jordan Wozniak on Unsplash

Grenfell inquiry concludes Satan's minions did it

The seven year, 1700 page report spelt out that it was evil m$therf$ckers that let 72 people burn to death. Cladding manufacturing firm Arconic was identified as a dissembling sack of putrified fish heads - 'a fobbing, lumpish, misbegotten piece of ar$e baggage', 'a bladder-faced ill-nurtured hedge-pig!'...or words to that effect.

Having lied, lied and lied some more Arconic knowingly put lives at risk, and also advised the crew of Titanic that this was not iceberg season. The inquiry labelled the government and the firms it contracted as dishonest and incompetent - and those were just the good one. Overall, it painted a bleak picture of absolute evil, which would have made Sauron blush with shame.

One CEO identified as complicit said: 'Obviously I feel bad about what has happened. But the most important thing is to learn from what has happened and to realise I am too rich to go to prison. Mwhahahahah!'

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Satan shocked by Post Office actions

Satan, the Chair and Chief Executive of Hell, is shocked by the Post Office’s actions in prosecuting sub-postmasters and expressed sympathy with victims of the scandal and their families. 

He says that he originally believed that the British Post Office was managing the prosecutions ‘competently and honestly’. Over time, however, it became clear that they had ‘cocked it all up, big time’.

The Prince of Darkness sent us the following statement from his hotmail account.

‘I am shocked by the Post Office's actions in prosecuting so many innocent people. It is right that there is a public inquiry to investigate and I hope that their report will add to my limited understanding of what has happened.

‘When people pass on, I do get first dibs on anyone who has been to prison, or has a criminal conviction. I’ve been sent a number of sub-postmasters on this basis, but frankly, they have wasted my time. They were all good, kind and well meaning people – pillars of their community – and exactly the sort of folk that make me feel physically ill. There’s no way that I can let them into Hell. They would be a total buzz kill. I sent them all upstairs.'

Image: Photo by Vitaliy Shevchenko on Unsplash