A dark defection

-There was widespread shock and disbelief today as Satan announced that he was defecting from Hell.

'I know Hades has been the traditional Opposition to Heaven since time immemorial, but I didn’t really believe that our policies went far enough, and it felt like we were never going to get into power,” said the notorious fallen angel.

“Essentially we were just a rag-tag band of outrageous musicians, defrocked priests and ex-TV presenters,' continued the Dark Lord. 'It didn’t feel like we were a serious outfit actually prepared to take over the running of things. The idea of working with Nigel Farage, the Orange Anti-Christ emulator, and disgraced Tories whose sexual deviancy, dishonesty and venal corruption was too much even for the extreme-right of the Conservative Party to tolerate has been quite a temptation for rather a long time – and, as you know, temptation is my stock-in-trade.'

Polishing his trident, and with a glint in his eye, he added, 'But the opportunity to work with Robert Jenrick - the man who ordered the painting over of cartoon murals at a child asylum unit - lest they should make frightened and lonely children feel comforted - was just too good a chance to miss.'

He sat back in his throne and grimaced with satisfaction. 'So Reform felt like a natural – well, preternatural – move for me. Suella Braverman was just the icing on the cake.'

Image credit: perchance.org

Satan to give up his titles over Epstein connections

The Prince of Darkness is giving up his titles, including the Mammon Demon of Greed, following 'discussion with the King.'

In a statement, The Former Angel of the Abyss said that the 'continued accusations about me distract from the work of stealing, killing and destroying.'

Beelzebub will remain a prince, but will cease to be The Lord of the Flies, as well as giving up membership of a group of demons known as Legion, the oldest and most senior order of the underworld.

Lucifer has been under growing pressure over his links with the late sex offender Jeffrey Epstein, who was quite frankly even more evil and therefore more deserving of the titles.

In the statement, the Serpent said: 'I vigorously deny the accusations that I have done anything right. I am just as bad as him, and haven't ever done anything good with my life.'

Image credit: perchance.org

Appalled by Trump, God to Expand Deadly Sins list

Horrified by Donald Trump's unbridled evil, God has decided to expand the deadly sins list, adding an as yet uncertain number to the current seven. God, the top Christian, is said to be 'gobsmacked' by the depth and breadth of Trump's malignance.

'God really thought that He had pretty much covered all the possibilities with the existing seven,' said Gabriel, a close God associate. 'And then along comes this orange wanker who just blows the roof off.'

In the coming days God is expected to convene a panel of experts to determine the number and type of sins to be added to the list. An inventory of Trump's 'unforgivable acts' is currently underway, according to Gabriel. 'We're already on day 10 and we're still not done. I mean, it took the Big Guy just a week to create the whole fucking universe.

The question of Satan's influence on Trump has 'inevitably come up,' Gabriel acknowledged. 'The information we have from our agents in Hell is that old Beelzebub is as shocked as we are,' he continued. 'That said, he's apparently starting to feature Trump in some of Hell's training videos.'

A representative of Hell declined to comment for this story.

Photo by Jordan Wozniak on Unsplash