Satan to give up his titles over Epstein connections

The Prince of Darkness is giving up his titles, including the Mammon Demon of Greed, following 'discussion with the King.'

In a statement, The Former Angel of the Abyss said that the 'continued accusations about me distract from the work of stealing, killing and destroying.'

Beelzebub will remain a prince, but will cease to be The Lord of the Flies, as well as giving up membership of a group of demons known as Legion, the oldest and most senior order of the underworld.

Lucifer has been under growing pressure over his links with the late sex offender Jeffrey Epstein, who was quite frankly even more evil and therefore more deserving of the titles.

In the statement, the Serpent said: 'I vigorously deny the accusations that I have done anything right. I am just as bad as him, and haven't ever done anything good with my life.'

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Appalled by Trump, God to Expand Deadly Sins list

Horrified by Donald Trump's unbridled evil, God has decided to expand the deadly sins list, adding an as yet uncertain number to the current seven. God, the top Christian, is said to be 'gobsmacked' by the depth and breadth of Trump's malignance.

'God really thought that He had pretty much covered all the possibilities with the existing seven,' said Gabriel, a close God associate. 'And then along comes this orange wanker who just blows the roof off.'

In the coming days God is expected to convene a panel of experts to determine the number and type of sins to be added to the list. An inventory of Trump's 'unforgivable acts' is currently underway, according to Gabriel. 'We're already on day 10 and we're still not done. I mean, it took the Big Guy just a week to create the whole fucking universe.

The question of Satan's influence on Trump has 'inevitably come up,' Gabriel acknowledged. 'The information we have from our agents in Hell is that old Beelzebub is as shocked as we are,' he continued. 'That said, he's apparently starting to feature Trump in some of Hell's training videos.'

A representative of Hell declined to comment for this story.

Photo by Jordan Wozniak on Unsplash

Grenfell inquiry concludes Satan's minions did it

The seven year, 1700 page report spelt out that it was evil m$therf$ckers that let 72 people burn to death. Cladding manufacturing firm Arconic was identified as a dissembling sack of putrified fish heads - 'a fobbing, lumpish, misbegotten piece of ar$e baggage', 'a bladder-faced ill-nurtured hedge-pig!'...or words to that effect.

Having lied, lied and lied some more Arconic knowingly put lives at risk, and also advised the crew of Titanic that this was not iceberg season. The inquiry labelled the government and the firms it contracted as dishonest and incompetent - and those were just the good one. Overall, it painted a bleak picture of absolute evil, which would have made Sauron blush with shame.

One CEO identified as complicit said: 'Obviously I feel bad about what has happened. But the most important thing is to learn from what has happened and to realise I am too rich to go to prison. Mwhahahahah!'

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