No way to predict passenger numbers say airlines who sold tickets

A spokesman for the airline industry lit a cigar with a £50 note before stubbing it out in the eye of a small child whose summer holiday will now comprise a taxi ride to and from Manchester Airport.

'We cancel families summer holidays at the last moment, then hide and watch as the police inexplicably do our job for us. We knew our staff and plane numbers, so we could have declined the booking – but we didn’t.’

'We've got a few empty planes going to Kigali, or Dover South as the budget airlines are calling it. It's peachy there this time of year unless you criticise their government. If you do, let's just say that airport security are going to 'randomly' search your orifices with something blunt and rusty. Very thoroughly. To death.’

Image: Pixabay/ThePixelMan

New statute celebrating Brexit to be commissioned

Jacob Rees-Mogg todays announces that to celebrate the successes the UK is experiencing due to Brexit a new statue is to be commissioned.

Plans are underway to get the UKs leading artists to put together their proposals - provisionally the work will be entitled “We have fun, but we get things (Brexit) done” - and is to feature a smiling Boris Johnson raising a drink to the nation'.

'It'll be very similar to some of the images we have recently seen in Sue Gray’s fictional historical romp', continued Rees Mogg.

The statue will include a hat made entirely of bank notes, to symbolis the £350 million a week savings that the British people are able to enjoy as a result of Brexit. In addition there will be a 'Brexit flap' in the rear of his trousers so that his bare backside can be displayed at Europe on the hour, every hour, like a mooning cuckoo clock.

2150 CE. Archaeologists discover remains of HS2 line

Work on the new Maglev line has been stopped two miles from the edge of the Brum Megopolis after workers discovered rails that may have been buried over one hundred years ago. Experts believe these may be the remains of the now long forgotten HS2 project.

Spokesperson, Ivor Trowel, told reporters 'we are confident in our findings. This is the classic vanity project that collapsed in on itself; much the same as the Egyptian Pyramids, the Trump Library of Culture, and the Rwandan Relocation Project.

'Myth has it that high priests thought that they would save several minutes on a line dedicated to taking the dead to the darklands of the Northern Desert. In fact they wasted whole years and ended up precisely nowhere.

'Ee, civilisations eh? Ya cuddent mek it up'.

Image: Pixabay/Tama66