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British sports fans gripped by Winter Olympic fever



Winter Olympics fever - better than Covid and a way to forget Boris Johnson is Prime Minister - has gripped the nation.


Luke Lyle said 'It's even better than the proper Olympics. Determining whether Austria or Norway has the fastest downhill skiers can bring this country together. I don't know why they specify the skiing is downhill, but I've got my cowbell locked and loaded. Plus there's bowls on ice, with added sweeping. Also lying down on a tray, then firing yourself head first down a tube at 200mph. It sounds insane but it's quite safe according to the documentary 'Cool Runnings'.'


Pensioner Eleanor Evans said 'Are Torvill and Dean in it? I like Torvill and Dean.' The Ski Sunday theme tune is already the most streamed song in the UK and will go to number 1 for the duration of the games.




First published 7 Feb 2022


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Isle of Wight condemns ‘provocative’ balloon airspace violation



Tensions remain high in the Solent region today following the detection of a balloon flying over the island.


An Isle of Wight Department of Home Defence spokesperson briefed reporters.


“Yesterday our Advanced Early Warning System – Cowes Neighbourhood Watch – reported an object subsequently identified as a balloon illegally entering our airspace. It was tracked as it travelled inland, passing over a number of sensitive garden centres and charity shops sowing panic and confusion amongst the (mostly elderly) customers.


We debated whether to shoot it down but there was concern that this might cause collateral damage when it landed. Unfortunately also none of our weapons could reach the great height at which the balloon was flying – estimated to be well in excess of 100 feet.


The issue was eventually resolved when the string underneath the balloon got tangled in the branches of a conker tree just outside Shanklin. After a lengthy health and safety risk analysis, leading fireman Barney McGrew of the Island Fire & Rescue Service volunteered to climb the tree and retrieve it.


The balloon is now under investigation in our forensic laboratory. It has a picture of an evil-looking character with a name of Ronald McDonald. We suspect this has something to do with the power struggle underway on the mainland within the People’s Republic of Hampshire. We have already made a formal complaint about this provocative action to their ambassador.”


A People’s Republic of Hampshire spokesperson responded.


“The peace-loving People’s Republic utterly denies this outrageous slur. The research balloon was accidently released by a young party member outside one of our healthy and nutritious proletariat street canteens. We shall utterly crush the capitalist lackeys, hyenas and running dogs of the illegal breakaway Isle of Wight in due course. We plan to mobilise our invincible armed forces to invade – once we have bought the ferry tickets and the railway strikes are settled."

image from pixabay



First published 6 Feb 2023


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