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Trump to embark on nationwide tour of book depositories and grassy knolls


In an attempt to bolster falling popularity in the opinion polls, and possibly to deflect from the failure to release the Epstein files, the President is planning on a US-wide tour to raise his profile.


'I'm touring this great country bigly and I've been given a solid gold convertible car to drive through the major cities so adoring crowds can fete me,' said the President today, unfurling a large map showing his route from Washington Dead Centre to Dallas High Street, taking in every book depository and grassy knoll en-route, 'as that French loser Macron might say,' added the President.


'Apparently book depositories are great for vantage views for viewing Great Presidents,' he said, adding, 'and grassy knolls are pure confeve for watching from,' he said, noting that his red MAGA hat would make him 'easy to spot'.


Early reports are that every vantage spot is being occupied by citizens from seventy nations already.




No internet horror-sounds alright


Iran has cut off the internet to its people, prompting wide scale outrage online-which fortunately they don't have to read. Influencers and chat rooms have been furious, while most Iranians read a good book.


This clampdown on CIA sponsored unrest, has meant no spam mail, no clickbait and no toxic posts by Donald Trump. Said one Iranian. 'I know I should miss all that online "democracy", but I now have an extra six hours a day with my friends and family. "


One US General said 'Iranians can't appreciate freedom, unless they are on their cell phones 24/7, in debt to Amazon and monitored by Palantir. How they going to know that America is the greatest if they can't hear Mr Beast?"




Keir Starmer decides best way to distinguish Labour from the Tories is to recruit their defecting MP



WESTMINSTER, LONDON – The leader of the Labour Party, Sir Keir Starmer, dramatically announced this afternoon that he believes the foremost way to differentiate his party from the Conservatives is by welcoming their MPs to his benches with open arms.


“What finer way can there be to prove we are an entirely different beast to the government, than by accepting their ex-MPs as our own without a second thought?” asked Starmer, foolishly using up one of his six enquiries at Prime Minister’s Questions.


“The Labour Party would lead the country in an unrecognisable fashion from Boris Johnson’s rabble, as you can clearly see from our poaching of someone who voted for all his policies.”


Starmer’s revelation came as Christian Wakeford, MP for Bury South, dramatically crossed the floor of the House of Commons to join his new colleagues in the opposition ranks, sewing discomfort and awkwardness as he settled in with his union jack facemask.


“This is far easier than electing candidates of our own,” opined the Leader of the Opposition.


Prime Minister Johnson seemed unruffled by Wakeford’s departure, merely vowing to “bury the Honourable Member, and send his career south. Chortle, chortle. Good one, Boris. That should keep the plebs off my back for a bit.”


Starmer continued, “I would also like to take this opportunity to extend an olive branch across the aisle to all other political turncoats. There is nothing we in the Labour Party value more than a hearty round of infighting, followed by an evening of treachery and backstabbing. Welcome aboard Judas – I mean, Christian. You’ll fit right in.”


“These politicians, mate. They’re all the same – can’t trust any of them,” observed a man on the street.


At press time, Angela Rayner was being restrained by the entire shadow cabinet after threatening to “deck” the “Tory scum” now sitting directly behind her.





First published 21 Jan 2022


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