top of page


Although ‘shim shim shakoochy’ and ‘vup vup kecharlie’ were both found to be acceptable new phrases by the Scat Singers' Conference annually held in Chattanooga (booga booga) last week, there were ugly-bugly disagreements over both the provenance and the value of ‘Bruggerly-But’ and it’s assonant counterparts, including ‘Wuggerly-Fut’ and ‘Duggerly-chut’.


After the singing of the traditional anthem, King of the Swingers, with Scatters solemnly swearing allegiance to ‘Bomp Bop Arony’ and a video link featuring Glen Hoddle for the customary ‘Hoddle Oddle Oddle’, the conference, presided over by chairperson Charles ‘Rhubarb, a-Boobarb’ Smith got under way.


In the Ella Fitzgerald memorial lecture the values of improvising round ‘scroopy toop booty’ while carefully avoiding ‘booby’ and ‘looby’ were extolled and there was a growling workshop led my Tim Waaah-Caaah–Baa Baah-Baah, emphasising mucus.


The Teddy Treddy Ted-talk was given by none other than Brother ‘Other’ Huther, who explained to the uninitiated that far from being improvised gobbledy-goop googamafloop, scat is actually the traditional language of the lost Ronka-Bonk-Bonker tribe, whose resonant meanings have faded in the mists of time and been left in a notebook on a train. Only new scat vocalisations like ‘himba, bachimba’ and the much loved ‘ooh ooh, ma booh-booh’ could be admitted on the basis they sounded authentic in the heat of the moment.


However, ‘Wuggerly But’ and ‘spit-knee ca-joe-nut’ were disallowed despite the threat of legal action by their sponsors and a slow hand clap-a-chat-back. There was no decision reached on the proposal of a Ramadan-a ding-dong, or a Hanukah-harmonica.


The conference closed with the traditional drinks and dinner social event, renamed the Shoobie Doobie Do.


In other news, the annual Italian sign language conference has had to be abandoned yet again after 23 injuries and one death.



With the advent of the internet, fraudsters have increased their capacity to relieve ordinary people of their own hard earned cash. Newsbiscuit is happy to provide guidance on how to spot the more common scams.


email phishing scams


These are very common and often take the form of demands from organisations such as HMRC. No matter how authentic these scams look, ignore them. Do not click on any links, approach your local tax office or open any snail mail correspondence looking like it comes from HMRC. Unfortunately this common scam already affects many working people as company payroll departments are often targeted - check your payslip for 'deductions' which are sometimes named 'tax', sometimes 'NI', often both. For greatest security ask your payroll department to change your bank details to the Newsbiscuit current account number and we'll sort out the rest.


Romance scams


Fraudsters pretending to be public servants acting on your behalf are known to make overtures suggesting you vote for events that will directly take money out of your pocket and put it in theirs. Typically the scammers will present themselves as 'MPs' and will try to get you to vote yourself out of a trading block, using compelling scam lines like 'don't listen to experts'. You might feel these scammers are in love with you, you may think they have your best interest at heart, but trust us here at Newsbiscuit, they don't. Don't vote for anything they say, and do not vote for any person to represent you unless they are part of the Newsbiscuit Party. Because you know we love you.


Internet satire scam


The most insidious scam of all where satirists try to draw you into their web of deceit and try to extract your money and votes to make themselves rich at your expense. We don't have any hard examples of this type of scam, but be sure to sign up to Newsbiscuit.com for regular newsletters. Please leave your email address, bank account details and PIN number - just in case.


Mobsters have announced a brand new extortion racket, following intensive analysis of the Boots ‘3 for 2’ Christmas promotion.


Mafia families across the globe have spent the last few months in the aisles of Boots stores across the UK observing what they are now describing as one of the most lucrative and perfectly constructed means of extracting money that they have ever seen.


‘The basic grift goes like this’, explained Micky Fingers from the Miami-based Cabrini family. ‘You convince the customer to buy one thing which is massively overpriced and then bundle it up with another thing of even less value.’


‘Then you offer them a third thing of negative value - like a Ted Baker bottle opener or some garish socks with ‘Ho-Ho-Ho’ written on them - and ba-da-bing - you’re printing money.’


‘They must have intimidating enforcers on the doors at Boots’, continued Cabrini. ‘How else could you explain why someone would pay £15 for 3 small ‘beers of the world’ that you could get in Tesco for a fiver?’


‘When we saw the miniature Nando’s hot sauce with a little oil drizzler bottle packaged up for £20, it took our breath away’ continued Cabrini. ‘In terms of pure extortion, it’s a thing of beauty.’


Mobsters still have some work to do before they can rollout the scheme, as they are struggling to work out the complex extortion ratios that result when the 3 for 2 offers are discounted by 66% on Boxing Day.


photo: https://pixabay.com/users/thedigitalartist-202249/


bottom of page