Missing Cryptoqueen may have changed her appearance to be like Carrie Symonds

Missing since 2017, around the time that Boris Johnson was made Foreign Secretary in the hope that Theresa May could get him as far away from parliament as practically possible, the FBI has taken a particular interest in his travels in the former Soviet Union and in particular how the disappearance of Ruja Ignatova happened to coincide with the appearance of yet another new mistress in the life of an inherently fallible politician.

Once upon a time, lipstick on your collar might have told a tale on you, but modern forensic science is able to not only tell which lipstick was on your dipstick, but tell from the lip prints who was wearing it.

NewsBiscuit is not at liberty to say more at this time, but we remind our readers that softly softly catchee monkey, and the chances of getting the fat bastard locked up in the short term may be better if the FBI handle it rather than rely on House of Commons procedures.

*UPDATE*

At the same moment our reporter posted this, NewsBiscuit received an email from a child who claims to be the lovechild of Boris Johnson and Ruja Ignatova, and on reading the news that Ruja Ignatova changed her appearance to look more like Carrie Symonds, wants to know if there's any chance of being a special case of a child getting fed under the current administration.

First published 3 July 2022

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Corrupt politicians speak in Rasta to evade detection

A Commons scandal is brewing as two MPs have been caught using ‘an unfamiliar dialect in the house’ to discuss siphoning off public money for personal use. Suspicious that they might be being bugged, the pair took the precaution of speaking in a poorly executed Caribbean patois to confuse MI5, most of whom went to English public schools where patois is, like girls and empathy, thoroughly banned.

A transcript of the MPs exchange, during which they discuss the possibility of illegally sequestering funds intended for community use, together with a standard English translation, appears below. Trigger warning: the following content might offend the sensibilities of those with preconceived views on race, language, and culture.

Man 1: Yow, mi bredda, yuh see di funds fi di new community center? Di money fat like Christmas ham. But hear mi now, wi haffi watch out fi dem House of Commons whips — dem man sharp an love sniff out scandal.

(Translation: Listen Tristan, with regards to those funds for the new community center? I t’s a considerable amount - fat like a Christmas ham. Beware the whips though. They are taking an outsized interest in the case as a possible matter of corruption.)

Man 2: Yuh right, mi boss. Dem man deh move like bloodhound, but hear mi — if wi call it ‘infrastructure review’ an sprinkle some buzzwords pon di paperwork, nobody nah look pan wi twice.

(Translation: You’re absolutely right. The whips comport themselves like tracking dogs. That said, if we term it an ‘infrastructure review’ and tamper with the document’s lexicon, there shouldn’t be an issue.)

Man 1: Mi hear yuh, mi dawg. But nuh flashy moves—no yacht selfies, no gold-plated room service. Di whips love mek example outta careless man.

(Translation: So we are in full accord. Let’s also be sure not to attract unwanted attention. That entails no yacht selfies, and for the mean time no gold-plated room service. The whips love making an example out of the more careless members of the House.)

Man 2: Bredda, wi timing perfect. Di PM himself a swim inna scandal—everybady busy watch him. Dis a di best time fi move quiet an clean.

(Translation: I believe the timing is ideal. The PM himself is drowning in scandal to the point where everyone is busy watching him. This is the best time to move quietly and cleanly.)

Man 1: Mi rate yuh thinking, mi boss. When di big man corrupt, di likkle man can walk free.

(Translation: I do admire the way you think, Tristan. Our overlords transgress to such an extent that we the underlings may sin unseen.)

The unnamed politicians are currently being interviewed at Scotland Yard. So far, they are refusing to speak in Received Pronunciation.

Picture credit: Wix AI