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Mandelson both passes and fails vetting


'Yes,' sighed a previously quite enthusiastic Foreign Office press nerd, 'it is true that Peter Mandelson failed vetting. But there is a bit more to it than that.'


'The vetting computer is in a locked room and is not connected to the internet. It runs on Windows 3.1 and an old database called, ironically Paradox, which was very popular for about 3 weeks in the nineties. We have to boot the computer using seven old-style floppy disks, and it takes ages. We keep asking for a new computer, but they always say that the money is needed for someone else.


'Anyway, Mandelson failed vetting on the first attempt and the reason given was No Valid Parameter for Subroutine checkifdodgy. We get that error message quite a lot, and standard operating procedure is to switch it all off, give it a kick, and turn it all back on again. So that's what we did. And when we ran the vetting programme again, thirty minutes later, Mandelson passed.


'So that's all you need to know. Mandelson failed vetting. Mandelson passed vetting. They're both true. So the logical consequence is that the PM should both resign and remain. Then everyone will be happy.


'Won't they?'


Image: WixAI

Scientists hatch new Strait of Hormuz Uncertainty Principle

"At the moment, the Americans say the Strait of Hormuz is open to shipping and the Iranians say it is closed," said Dr Hiram Smorgasbord of Kharg Island Armageddon University.


"The only way of checking which is true is to sail an oil tanker through the strait and then switch on the news.


"If you see pictures of the tanker in flames and spewing thousands of tons of crude oil into the sea, you'll know the strait was closed and the captain was very silly to try and go through it."


"That's fake news!" said Donald Trump, ordering a Tomahawk strike on the university. "The Iranians are doing everything I say because I won, and they totally opened up the strait at my command.


"Believe me, you could put a cat in a drawer with a vial of poison and it could go right through the Strait of Hormuz and come out 100% alive.


"Let me show you now. I'll just grab this pussy..."



‘Schrödinger's cat’ metaphor replaced by ‘Epstein’s List’

The thought experiment derived by Erwin Schrödinger in which a hypothetical cat is both alive and dead at the same time has been superseded. It has been replaced by a list of clients for a sex trafficking ring compiled by Jeffrey Epstein which simultaneously exists on a desk, doesn’t exist at all, and was written by Barack Obama and his associates.


Epstein’s List completely clears up how to interpret the murky world in which Epstein lived, even though that world did or didn’t exist. It also does or doesn’t clean up all those who circulated in quantum superpositions. Some of those on the list may or may not remain in superposition despite many forces acting for or against them. Many people believe that, if it exists, Epstein’s List will make America great again, even if had never been great before. Epstein’s List is therefore also known as the MAGA Paradox.


Schrödinger's cat was both alive and dead while enclosed in a box with a flask of poison, a radioactive substance and a Geiger counter. Epstein was awaiting trial in a closed cell where video surveillance confirmed he was both alive and dead, although possibly not at the same time. The transition between the two states was mysteriously not recorded or was successfully recorded and either does or doesn’t exist any more. There is firm suspicion and yet absolutely no suggestion whatsoever that flasks of poison, radioactive substances or any other means of manipulating a change of state was ever present in that cell.


The fundamental question of Epstein’s List is the same as that of Schrödinger's cat. That is, how long do superpositions last and when will they collapse? For many, that collapse cannot come soon enough.



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