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‘Schrödinger's cat’ metaphor replaced by ‘Epstein’s List’

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The thought experiment derived by Erwin Schrödinger in which a hypothetical cat is both alive and dead at the same time has been superseded. It has been replaced by a list of clients for a sex trafficking ring compiled by Jeffrey Epstein which simultaneously exists on a desk, doesn’t exist at all, and was written by Barack Obama and his associates.


Epstein’s List completely clears up how to interpret the murky world in which Epstein lived, even though that world did or didn’t exist. It also does or doesn’t clean up all those who circulated in quantum superpositions. Some of those on the list may or may not remain in superposition despite many forces acting for or against them. Many people believe that, if it exists, Epstein’s List will make America great again, even if had never been great before. Epstein’s List is therefore also known as the MAGA Paradox.


Schrödinger's cat was both alive and dead while enclosed in a box with a flask of poison, a radioactive substance and a Geiger counter. Epstein was awaiting trial in a closed cell where video surveillance confirmed he was both alive and dead, although possibly not at the same time. The transition between the two states was mysteriously not recorded or was successfully recorded and either does or doesn’t exist any more. There is firm suspicion and yet absolutely no suggestion whatsoever that flasks of poison, radioactive substances or any other means of manipulating a change of state was ever present in that cell.


The fundamental question of Epstein’s List is the same as that of Schrödinger's cat. That is, how long do superpositions last and when will they collapse? For many, that collapse cannot come soon enough.



Schrodinger's cat finally debunked by letters from his neighbours

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Schrodinger famously postulated a thought experiment where a cat put in a box with a flask of poison and a radioactive material that potentially could discharge a particle detectable by a Geiger counter that would be set up to break the flask, killing the cat.  As the release of the particle was random and undetectable outside the box it would be impossible to know if the cat was alive or dead unless you opened the box, with the suggestion that until that point in time the cat was both alive and dead. However...


Surrey scientist Bill Redmonds and his drinking buddy, history lecturer Alan Fountain, who holds regular history debriefs in the local Wetherspoons have debunked the story.


'First of all,' said Bill today, 'have you ever tried to get a cat into a f@cking box?  Just a box, never mind one rammed with fragile flasks of poison and a 1930s Geiger counter, which would be about the size of 32 inch TV back then.  The flask would be shattered in the first two seconds killing the cat and Schrodinger.  In fact, scratch that, the cat would be out of the room before anyone realised the flask was broken,' he added.  'Even if you got the cat in the box, with or without the flask, Geiger counter etc, etc, you would be in no doubt if the cat was alive or not.  The bloody box would be bouncing around the room, unless the cat was dead.  Thought experiment, my arse,' he said.


'But,' said Alan, holding up a handful of letters, 'his neighbours had cats, either side, and he was forever sending letters complaining that their cats were sh!tting on his lawn.  Then he proposes his "thought experiment" and the letters stopped.  I bet he didn't have to worry about cat sh!t either from that point on and I for one would think twice about getting a replacement cat.


Scientists have refined the theory in the light of this revelation.  Imagine you have a lawn and your neighbour has a bloody feral cat.  If there is sh!t on the lawn is the cat alive or dead?  If I've got anything to do with it...


image from pixabay


Fermat's Last Cat


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It turns out that Schrödinger's cat was alive and well, but just lost.  When the box was opened there was no sign of a dead cat.  However, it has been impossible to find the original (presumably live) one either.  Fermat asserted that it was impossible for any cat to exist in a cube-shaped box or a box of any shape and of any number of dimensions other that a flat one with zero volume and claimed to have a discovered a proof of this, although 'there wasn't enough space to write it down', even though there was (or had been) apparently sufficient room for a cat, even if not sufficient room to swing one.  Some have nicknamed it 'Fermat's Lost Cat', and there is ongoing debate whether a lost cat is the same thing as a missing cat or a dead cat, and whether a missing cat can be counted as alive or dead.   


It was just the same when the new owner of the box, Sir Keir Starmer, opened it and claimed that, as promised, the cat was indeed in there, but very, very small - so small as to be invisible and just about undetectable, and might indeed. actually be dead, or at least broken.


'The cat would need to be much larger if it is to be found, and its state of health determined.  So clearly, the answer is that what is essential for this, now, is growth.'




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