Trump takes credit for planetary alignment

President Trump today explained that his administration was responsible for the unusual planetary alignment that allowed no less than seven planets to be visible in the sky last night.

'Would never have happened with sleepy Joe' he told assembled White House reporters. 'This is a great day for American astrologers… astroturfers… whatever the hell they are.'

He went on to say that now the planets were obeying his bidding, it was time to think about opening hotel/casino resorts on other worlds.

'We’re calling it Mars-a-Lago, it’s gonna be great, the best thing ever. You get on one of Elon’s spaceships at Cape Canaveral, and assuming it doesn’t blow up on launch - and they’re getting much better, believe me - you’re there in 7–8 months.'

Asked whether people would really want to travel so far just to visit a barren wasteland with no atmosphere, he replied, 'People go to Atlantic City, don’t they?'

'Besides, that’s based on where Mars is now. We’re gonna be bringing it much closer. And by the way, don’t believe the people who say that would mess up gravity, or whatever, that’s just a Big Science conspiracy theory. Teach the controversy.'

Picture credit: Freepik AI

Mandela effect renamed Truss effect

The Mandela effect is a mass misrecollection of events where millions of people vividly remember something which never happened. Like the existence of the word misrecollection. It was first discovered in 1983 when everyone replied 'yeah, probably' to the question 'do you remember when Nelson Mandela pinched Bananarama's bottoms?'

It has since been recognised, however, that all who responded to the survey can't now remember what they had for breakfast. Even when reading this while eating their breakfast. Therefore, a whole new generation of people have been asked, 'do you remember when Liz Truss was Prime Minister?'

Professor Anna High from the Institute of Erm, Er, You Know, Thingy explained, 'Many people have a false memory of professional bonkers lettucehead Liz Truss being Prime Minister of Britain. It's clearly ridiculous, eminently untrue, and could be no more a reality than a flange of Not The Nine O'Clock News sketches.'

Professor Hannah Fry who is real and lovely and thoroughly respected confirmed, 'There was never anything called the Mandela effect. The whole thing is misremembered by lots of people. And misremembered is a real word. Rather, it is something which is technically termed a Trap Street, when the London A to Z inserted non-existent roads into their maps to catch rotters out who were copying their science and claiming it as their own work. People who remember living on those roads don't actually exist themselves.

'So the Mandela effect is in itself a Mandela effect, which is a beautiful event horizon of infinite butterflies within butterflies where science becomes art and quiz question setters don't know where they stand.'

Picture credit: Wix AI

Man hospitalised after drinking homemade water

A Stoke man is in intensive care after consuming two cups of water he made while watching his first science documentary. The documentary, narrated by someone with Attenboroughesque gravity of credibility, made mention of the fact that water is a naturally occurring concoction of two hydrogen atoms and one oxygen atom. The man then isolated the compounds and mixed them together with disastrous results.

Lacking high-tech lab equipment, he used his toothbrush mug as a crucible, meaning his moonshine H2O was suffused with poundshop microplastics. His second mistake was to measure out the compounds by hand, leading to a way off guestimate of the measures required. Thirdly, he doesn’t really know what hydrogen and oxygen are. And fourthly, he was very drunk.

A neighbour said, ‘I heard him clattering about in his kitchen through the walls. Walls are very thin in Stoke. We’ve complained to the council about them but…’ After reminding the neighbour of the main topic, she added, ‘He’s always making stuff at home. Last month he offered me some of his homemade chocolate. But I refused. He’d clearly used cabbage.’

The man is not the only person to revert to self-generation of essentials in straitened economic times. A Bristol student was warned to simply breathe in what’s around him after he set fire to his dorm following a botched attempt to concoct his own air. While a family in Napper valley near Crest-of-the-wave neath Oldham are still awaiting charges of selling bottled farts as Tibetan wallpaper adhesive. On the issue of homemade water, a government spokesperson reiterated, ‘Those caught not drinking state distributed tap water will be shuttered, clamped, audited, unpersoned, and their address published in the sky.’

Image: cocoparisienne - Pixabay

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