Scotland's Birth Rate Falls to Record Low

The number of babies being born in Scotland fell to a record low for the third consecutive year, new figures show.

The figures from the National Records of Scotland (NRS) show live births of 45,067 in 2025, the lowest number since records began in 1855.  NRS spokesperson Gail Winds suggested that part of the reason could simply be due to the unattractiveness of Scotland and the Scottish people.

'Scotland is cold, wet and windy,' she said.  'And that's just the summer; winter is usually worse.  Add to that the general lack of attractiveness amongst its population, so it's no wonder that the birth rate is down.  I mean, most people here have a face that only a mother could love. New mothers are often seen pulling their babies' prams'

Further data released today by NRS also showed that for the 11th consecutive year, deaths continue to outnumber births.  'That proves,' continued Winds, 'that people are dying to leave Scotland.'

image from pixabay

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Sturgeon promises Scottish military aid to Ukraine

Following the commitment of £1bn of equipment from the breakaway rebel Southern British government in Westminster, the established mainstream government in the Democratic People's Republic of Caledonia has promised to provide complementary aid and weapons to Ukraine.

A spokesman for President Sturgeon announced the details at a press conference:

'See, all this stuff from the Johnson-led gorillas? it's all medium or long range, ye ken? It's all missiles 'n rockets 'n 'things, right? But what about when ye get tae close up fightin', eh? Ye cannae be asking yer enemy tae back off 50 miles, just so ye can bazooka 'em up the jaxie. So what we're doing is providing the brave Kyivvies wi' the lethal weapons 'n trainin' they'll need for hand-tae-hand fightin'.

'First, we're invitin' a company o' Ukrainians tae come and take part in some combat readiness trainin' in Glasgee. This'll include an Orange Walk along Janefield Street, right outside Parkhead. By God, they'll need tae keep alert there, eh!

'They'll be equipped with the very same close-combat weapons we'll be shippin' tae Kyiv. These'll include the Mark XVII Broken Bottle, the 'MindYerFingers' Cutthroat Razor, an' the 'HeidsOrWindaesWhoCares' Brickplus Special

'In the unlikely event of an armaments shortage in Kyiv, we will also be trainin' the boys - as a last resort - to welcome their Russian aggressors wi' open arms.

An' gie 'em a good ol' Kyiv Kiss!

'Mon the 'Krainians!'

www.newsbiscuit.com

First published 2 Jul 2022

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Climate change 'no longer deniable' as sun comes out in Aberdeen

Scientists studying anthropogenic climate change say they now have incontrovertible evidence proving the truth of the theory - the sun has come out in Aberdeen.

'When it’s 40 degrees in London and the South East, there’ll always be people saying it’s just a heatwave, doesn’t prove anything.

”But when the sun comes out in Aberdeen, you know you’ve reached a point where our traditional understanding of climate is broken, and we’re in uncharted territory.'

Reports say the natives of Aberdeen reacted in terror to the big yellow apparition in the sky, some worshipping it as a god. while others took refuge in traditional sources of comfort, such as deep fried foods, whisky and intravenous drugs.

The authorities say it was lucky the sun wasn’t out long enough to dry out the puddles or damp stains on the walls, or they couldn’t be responsible for how people would have reacted.

Image: ChatGPT (edited)