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England Fans Pay for JD Vance to Visit Croatia, Panama and Ghana


Hungary is still celebrating a huge election win for Peter Magyar, despite support for incumbent Viktor Orban from the United States, vice-president. JD Vance has once-again demonstrated his unique reverse Midas Touch.


Reeling from failing to bring peace between Iran and the US, a fiasco that only sits mid-table in his myriad of omnishambles, Vance is already looking to put the collective embarrassments of the loss in Hungary, failure in Pakistan, destroying the NCAA trophy, and killing Pope Francis behind him with his summer vacation. Last year, this took place in the UK. However, the English Football Association say they have received enough funding from fans and interested parties to offer the vice-president an all-expenses trip to Croatia, Panama, and Ghana on the condition the visits take place before the 17th of June this year.


'It's very simple,' said FA Spokesperson Penny T Kicks, 'everything Vance touches turns to mould. Therefore, we're happy for him and his family to visit each of our opponents, shake some hands, have a kick about, maybe tear a few cruciate ligaments, and ease our path into the knockout stages. After that, we just hope we get enough games in the United States where our opponents won't be able to travel into the country for fears of deportment by ICE, and not only will England lift the World Cup again, but we'll also no longer have to hear Skinner and Baddiel singing about sixty years of hurt.'


An offer by Scotland to also have Vance visit Haiti, Morocco, and Brazil was pulled from the table and instead given to Donald Trump, as Scottish Manager Steve Clarke said he needed help from Jesus Christ himself in order to get out the group phases.


Image: WixAI

Curling Fever has peaked, says NHS


The NHS is seeing early signs that Curling Fever may have peaked. Hospital admissions for the condition, although still high, are beginning to fall.


A spokes-virus said, 'Curling Fever is an unusual condition. Serious outbreaks occur every four years or so, but infections in between are quite rare, except in Scotland. For a while, many doctors brushed off patients, saying that it wasn’t a genuine medical condition.'


However, there is no denying the impact on sufferers, who often arrive at A&E with physical injuries from punching a wall, or having been struck by a television screen moving at some velocity. Patients can also experience mental trauma, including anxiety, stress and depression. Symptoms can often emerge slowly. Patients initially present as withdrawn and stony faced, but can fly off the handle at short notice, if someone presses their buttons.


Luckily, Curling Fever is easily treated. Most sufferers can be distracted by watching a children’s film (but not Polar Express, Frozen or Happy Feet), or rugby game (unless Welsh).


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