Jeffrey Epstein fails to attend golf course openings

Donald Trump has opened a new golf resort in Scotland.  Jeffrey Epstein did not attend.  

The new 18-hole course at Turnberry is not named after Jeffrey Epstein.

Later, he will open a new 18-hole course in Aberdeenshire. That course isn’t named after Jeffrey Epstein either.

The White House says Trump will also meet Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer to have his ego stroked for a bit, and to get some respite from media questions about Epstein’s List and his relationship with Jeffrey Epstein.

The President hopes that, by promoting his personal interests so publicly while in office, the media will write about something other than Epstein.

A spokesman for all media outlets said, ‘Epstein. Epstein. It’s all about Epstein. It’s an Epstein frenzy! Trump is named in Epstein’s List.  Trump was told he was on Epstein’s List and then lied about it.  New pictures of him and Epstein keep turning up!  No wonder it’s all about Epstein.

‘Actually, just to explain, me and the lads are betting on how many times we can insert ‘Epstein’ into a news item. I’m currently in the lead.’

Picture credit: deep dream generator

Scotland to reach 25C, Met Office issues a Ginger alert

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Scottish tea fraudster ran other scams

The international criminal mastermind behind Scottish tea that was actually from Africa is implicated in a number of other scams.

Police say that they are investigating the activities of a number of related companies.

The Extremely Scottish Moray Mango company supplied fruit to exclusive hotels and resorts, including restaurants at Donald Trump's Turnberry golf club. Suspicions were aroused when the mangoes arrived in tins.

In another investigation, the accused claimed that The Scottish Unicorn Milk Mozzarella Company was only ever intended as a joke. Company records showed sales exceeding a million pounds, mostly to America.

The Extremely Old Heritage and Very Vintage Scottish Whisky Company was found to be passing off 'scot-ish wisky' from a discount store that had been rebottled and labelled as a 450-year-old malt that was 210° proof. Scottish Police say that they have seized all remaining stocks and are subjecting them to thorough testing.

'It's amazing what people will fall for,' said the local Reform MP.

Picture credit: nightcafe.studio