Kate Forbes condemns same sex clergy

SNP leadership hopeful Kate Forbes has admitted she voted against male only clergy, insisting same-sex vicars and ministers should not be blessed in churches. Ms Forbes insists the ‘natural’ state of clergy is a man and woman getting it on in the pews.

Divisions within the SNP were exposed during the Synod of Whitby in 664, where Ms Forbes and King Oswiu of Northumberland voted against same sex vicars. After lengthy debate it was decreed that men’s willies and women’s noo-noos were God’s number one obsession.

A translator of Biblical proportions cherry picking said, ‘This is a matter of conscience. Jesus didn’t want men to wear dresses and have long hair, especially ones that hang out with sailors.’

Child poverty charities have thanked Ms Forbes for the opportunity to have a rational and sensible debate on the most pressing issues of the day.

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2nd century Roman sex toy may have belonged to Silvio Berlusconi

Archaeologists believe they have found the only known Roman dildo to have belonged to a former Italian prime minister. The 2000-year-old wooden phallus was discovered during the excavation of a Roman villa and may have been dropped in panic when Silvio Berlusconi’s wife returned home early from the shops.

Archaeologists have found traces of hair dye and dirty money on the artefact and are confident it was dropped by a former prime minister sometime in the 2nd century AD.

A cool suggestion