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Monkey suspicious of man acting softly softly.





A local monkey is terrified he will be kidnapped after his neighbour has begun acting softly softly.


Mr. Monkey spent his early life in the world renowned Chester Zoo but left that behind for the middle-class dream in an upcoming area, however that dream has now become a nightmare after growing concerns over his neighbour’s intentions.


We caught up with Mr. Monkey earlier and he said, ‘The fella next door has clearly been doing his research and found out the best way to catch a monkey is the softly softly approach. He definitely wants to kidnap me. I’d bet my adorable little fez on it.


‘We’ve always got on fine. There was one silly incident about car parking but that was sorted; he told me I couldn’t park outside my house, and I threw my crap at him. That was the end of that. Then he started wearing hush puppies and whispering a lot.’


We asked Mr. Monkey why he thinks his neighbour would want to kidnap him.


‘He’s heard that stupid theory, hasn’t he? You know the one. If you give a monkey a typewriter, he’ll eventually write the entire works of Shakespeare or something. I know it sounds crazy, but I took a parcel in for him yesterday and I accidently ripped it open and inside was a massive cage and a typewriter. What else could he be planning?’


We questioned his neighbour who was flabbergasted at the accusation. ‘The thought has never entered my head,’ said Dr Steven Power, a renowned primatologist and playwright often referred to as the 'new Shakespeare'.


Tommy12000




First published 19 Mar 2023


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Trump slams Shakespeare as 'meaningless word salad and garbage'


In a series of late night posts on the ironically named, Truth Social, President Trump, has turned his phenomenal brain power to William Shakespeare, branding The Bard of Avon as, 'A low IQ guy who wrote meaningless word salad and garbage.'


Commenting on Much Ado About Nothing, Trump wrote, 'Huh, he nailed it with the title.' In another petulant post he asks, 'Who the hell was this Henry guy? Seven plays about him when clearly one would’ve been plenty. He must have been the biggest narcissist in history.' His take on All’s Well That Ends Well was, “I thought that bunch of crap was never gonna end at all.”


However, unsurprisingly the great and the good of British acting have been flocking to Twitter all day to defend the accusations levelled at, as some argue, the world's greatest writer ever.


Paraphrasing Shakespeare, Sir Kenneth Branagh posted online: 'The mind boggles at depth of this man’s total ignorance – what’s more, me think he doth protest too much.' While Dame Judy Dench told reporters, 'I have only one word for Trump. It rhymes with banker.' 


However, whether you love the Bard or hate him - perhaps the last word should go to Shakey himself.


'Life is but a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more; it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.'


image from grok

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