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The government is looking at modifying the benefits bill passing through Parliament following a backlash from over one hundred Labour MPs, with the Government relying on the opposition to have any chance of passing the bill.


The modification accepts that the current bill is unfair to those people currently in receipt of Personal Independence Payments, PIP, on the grounds that the payments exist to make them personally independent.  A government spokesman admitted that personal independence 'did sound like something you'd find in the Human Rights legislation.' 


The government agrees that to withdraw the payment from people who have undergone rigorous and often demeaning checks on their incapacities would be wrong, but maintain that by withdrawing the benefit for new claimants 'saves them the distress of undergoing demeaning and rigorous checks, which must be worth a few bob in anyone's money,' the spokesman suggested.  The 'few bob' apparently being the value of the current benefit.



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Newsbiscuit has been sent a selection of computer-generated letters created by the Post Office's "new and improved" computer system - Horror-izon.


Dear customer,

This is a message from Horror-izon, the Post Office's new, improved, totally glitch-free computer system.

Last Thursday, you picked up your weekly pension at the village post office in St Vennells the Holy Innocent. Horror-izon's records show that we gave you £1,000 too much. Repay us £4,521 immediately, you frail, defenceless pensioner, or die in jail.

We have charged you £20,000 for this letter.


Dear customer,

Horror-izon says you bought 62,500 stamps last week to put on a postcard you sent while on a day trip to Charmouth, but that you only paid for one of them. Pay us the difference immediately or our Post Office investigators will summarily execute you at your kitchen table.

You think we're joking, don't you?

You have been charged £21 million for this letter.


Dear customer,

Horror-izon believes you to be a tanning salon on the outskirts of Slough. Pay us £200 million in business rates or we will demolish you with gelignite and bulldoze the rubble.

Blip.

And Horror-izon has just informed us that it considers itself to be a tiny, green alien piloting the asteroid Beppu through the Kuiper Belt towards Mars.

Blip. Blip.

You have been charged £20bn Klyborgian zlotygas for these underpants.

Blip. Blip. Blip.

Computer rebooting ... Computer rebooting... system malfunction...


Photo by Museums Victoria on Unsplash



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It's being reported today government ministers doing daily TV studio rounds will no longer seek to defend the catastrophic shambles they call governance. Instead, they will simply tell barefaced lies on policy and performance.


First in to bat was Home Secretary, James Cleverly. Is that still his job?


Without even a sightly shifty sideways glance, he insisted all legacy asylum cases have now been dealt with one hundred percent as per the party's previous claim, regardless of what factchecking agencies say.


When challenged that his statement was nothing more than a laughable attempt to cook the books, Cleverly stuck his fingers in his ears and said: ''Tizn't, tizn't tizn't. It's  jolly well true... so there.'


Further scepticism only drew a double down response: 'We've done it. Yes, believe me, I should know because I'm a government minister, and we've now decided on the Cabinet WhatsApp group that anything we say is true.


'Therefore, I'm also delighted to be able to announce the 7 million plus NHS waiting list has now been trimmed down to a single Scunthorpe man called Alan, and that's just an ingrowing toenail op. We are clearly the most competent government this country has ever seen.'

Photo by Austin Distel on Unsplash

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