Meanwhile, down the park…

Government to sh*t in everyone’s mouths

In an apparent U-turn to their current environmental policy, Rishi Sunak has announced the Government will sh*t in everyone’s mouths. ‘This is not backtracking on our existing green pledges,’ a string of shitting Ministers told journalists. 'But we think a more gradual approach might suit the economy and be a smart way of making sure we meet targets while taking the economy into account at a challenging time.'

The Government was moved to make the policy change after Uxbridge voters chose unanimously to fatally asphyxiate all the constituency's babies and toddlers with poisonous emissions from ministerial cars. If approved by parliament, the nationwide mouth-shitting would start in Labour constituencies, beginning with the safest Labour seat, Liverpool Walton. Therese Coffey, the Secretary of State for the Environment, will shit in Labour voter Alan Abercrombie’s mouth live on national television at the iconic Liverpool Pier Head, establishing a pattern of alphabetical order shittery.

Labour have yet to comment in full about the plan, with some Labour MP’s calling the shitting ‘a desperate attempt at a vote winning gimmick that will blow up in Tory faces’. However, when pressed the shadow environment secretary Steve Reed said that if the party were elected he would rule out shitting in voters' mouths, although he would not ‘yet’ rule out pissing in their mouths.

Civil service 'seriously considered' telling Queen that bears defecate in woods

Senior civil servants 'seriously considered' telling the Queen that bears sh*t in the woods and that the Pope is a Catholic, according to the BBC's Laura Kuennsberg.

Furthermore, says Kuennsberg, they seriously considered telling her that Boris Johnson was behaving in office like a gallivanting elephant out of its head on amphetimines.

'There would have been no other way for Her Majesty to have known how disgracefully irresponsible and chaotic her prime minister was,' continued Kuennsberg.

'Apart from by opening a newspaper, watching the telly, listening to the radio or speaking to any other human being in Britain during the time that Boris was in Downing Street.

'Or by meeting him, I suppose,' added Kuennsberg.

'Two minutes in Johnson's company would have told her everything about this reckless, blundering oaf that she'd ever have needed to know.'