I'll quell N. Korea threat with my big trousers: Simon Cowell's defiant vow

Pop entrepreneur, Simon Cowell, last night issued a defiant message to North Korean despot, Kim Jong-un, by pledging his support to the West and vowing to quell any forthcoming aggression from the rogue state by dropping a pair of his enormous, high-waisted trousers over the entire country, blocking out the light and thereby preventing them from aiming their missiles.

Speaking from his home in Palm Springs, Cowell 107, told reporters: “I’ve had just about enough of Kim Jong-un’s sabre rattling and anti-western rhetoric.

"I spoke to Cheryl Cole about it on the phone last night and she suggested dropping a pair of my ridiculously large trousers over North Korea to quell any future threat and I found myself in firm agreement with her.

"I’ve got an absolutely enormous pair in the wardrobe that make me look like an absolute, ocean-going twat and I’ve told President Biden to send round a Chinook helicopter later to pick them up”

A spokesperson for The United Nations told newsmen last night: “With the threat of a nuclear exchange growing exponentially, this offer from Mr Cowell is extremely timely.

"We hope to drop a pair of his idiotic trousers on Pyong Yang later on today. Let’s see how they like that shall we?”

This move by the UN mirrors the action taken by coalition forces during the 2nd Gulf War when an entire battalion of Saddam’s Republican Guard were smothered to death by a pair of gigantic frilly knickers donated to the war effort by BBC London radio host, Vanessa Feltz.

image pixabay/mohamed_hassan

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X Factor winners' reunion bash cancelled due to clerical cock-up

It's understood an X Factor Winners' reunion bash, scheduled for December at London's swanky Dorchester hotel, had to be cancelled due to a clerical cock-up.

The glitzy party to honour all winners of the fourteen seasons since 2004 came unstuck when organisers realised they only had contact details for a few of the stars. A spokesman for Simon Cowell's Syco company said: 'Yeah, it's a shame really. It was going to be a helluva a night until we realised there were just about three we could get hold of and they were all busy.

When asked who had actually been invited the spokesman said: 'Now, let's see. Obviously we asked Will, but he was busy, then Leona, erm... she was washing her hair and of course we sent 1D at least 10 emails but got no response.

'Then we discovered something rather odd. We checked the contact details we held for all contestants for every season, but the files had been mysteriously wiped. That was probably a mistake made by an office temp.

'So we put ads in all the mags and asked around the biz, but no one knew any of them. That's a surprise cos like in season seven there was... oh... you remember... whazztheirname? Thingy... he/she/they might've had the Christmas number one that year... wait... it'll come to me... ooh...'

It's understood the plug was finally pulled when previous contestants Jedward and Wagner somehow got wind of the event and tried to blag an invite.

image pixabay/BEP

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Simon Cowell to be fired to the edge of space using his big trousers

Pop entrepreneur and TV personality Simon Cowell is set to join the likes of Amazon mogul Jeff Bezos and Virgin Media boss Richard Branson, who have both recently embarked on multi-million-pound space trips by being fired to the very edge of space using a specially-designed wooden catapult. When attached to the braces on his massive, high-waistband trousers, it will hurl him skywards at speeds in excess of two thousand miles per hour.

Speaking to newsmen last night, Cowell (87), said, "Ever since I was a kid, listening to David Bowie's Space Oddity on my transistor radio, I've been fascinated by space travel. So this opportunity to be catapulted to the very edge of the Earth's atmosphere using my huge trousers as a rudimentary slingshot really is a boyhood dream come true."

Cowell is scheduled to be launched from his back garden on October 10 this year, wearing a specially designed helmet linked to an oxygen tank on his back and lead-lined wellington boots. These will counterbalance the lack of gravitational pull and bring him back down to Earth, where he will splash down in the Limehouse Basin in East London a day or two later.

The daring mogul will also be coated with a high factor sunscreen in case he ventures too close to the sun, although he has told friends he hopes to avoid that pitfall by going at night.