ITV launch new game show - Jump Off A Cliff

ITV schedulers have been inspired by an idea provided by Britain's Got Talent host Simon Cowell, who has said that he would rather jump off a cliff than host a game show.

'What a brilliant idea,' said an ITV scheduler. 'Instead of getting hapless members of the public to jump off a cliff we instead give them a range of pointless tasks to complete and idiotic questions to answer. If they get it wrong - or right - the presenter jumps off a cliff.

'We're really hopeful Simon Cowell presents the pilot. We'll see how it goes in the ratings to decide whether to greenlight a full series. Should give us time to find a suitable presenter for episode two, although we note Nadine Dorries has been active on TV lately.'

www.newsbiscuit.com

image form pixabay

I'll quell N. Korea threat with my big trousers: Simon Cowell's defiant vow

Pop entrepreneur, Simon Cowell, last night issued a defiant message to North Korean despot, Kim Jong-un, by pledging his support to the West and vowing to quell any forthcoming aggression from the rogue state by dropping a pair of his enormous, high-waisted trousers over the entire country, blocking out the light and thereby preventing them from aiming their missiles.

Speaking from his home in Palm Springs, Cowell 107, told reporters: “I’ve had just about enough of Kim Jong-un’s sabre rattling and anti-western rhetoric.

"I spoke to Cheryl Cole about it on the phone last night and she suggested dropping a pair of my ridiculously large trousers over North Korea to quell any future threat and I found myself in firm agreement with her.

"I’ve got an absolutely enormous pair in the wardrobe that make me look like an absolute, ocean-going twat and I’ve told President Biden to send round a Chinook helicopter later to pick them up”

A spokesperson for The United Nations told newsmen last night: “With the threat of a nuclear exchange growing exponentially, this offer from Mr Cowell is extremely timely.

"We hope to drop a pair of his idiotic trousers on Pyong Yang later on today. Let’s see how they like that shall we?”

This move by the UN mirrors the action taken by coalition forces during the 2nd Gulf War when an entire battalion of Saddam’s Republican Guard were smothered to death by a pair of gigantic frilly knickers donated to the war effort by BBC London radio host, Vanessa Feltz.

image pixabay/mohamed_hassan

X Factor winners' reunion bash cancelled due to clerical cock-up	Book for Manchester September 2022 now	Thousands need hospital treatment after lockdown injuries

X Factor winners' reunion bash cancelled due to clerical cock-up

It's understood an X Factor Winners' reunion bash, scheduled for December at London's swanky Dorchester hotel, had to be cancelled due to a clerical cock-up.

The glitzy party to honour all winners of the fourteen seasons since 2004 came unstuck when organisers realised they only had contact details for a few of the stars. A spokesman for Simon Cowell's Syco company said: 'Yeah, it's a shame really. It was going to be a helluva a night until we realised there were just about three we could get hold of and they were all busy.

When asked who had actually been invited the spokesman said: 'Now, let's see. Obviously we asked Will, but he was busy, then Leona, erm... she was washing her hair and of course we sent 1D at least 10 emails but got no response.

'Then we discovered something rather odd. We checked the contact details we held for all contestants for every season, but the files had been mysteriously wiped. That was probably a mistake made by an office temp.

'So we put ads in all the mags and asked around the biz, but no one knew any of them. That's a surprise cos like in season seven there was... oh... you remember... whazztheirname? Thingy... he/she/they might've had the Christmas number one that year... wait... it'll come to me... ooh...'

It's understood the plug was finally pulled when previous contestants Jedward and Wagner somehow got wind of the event and tried to blag an invite.

image pixabay/BEP

Something Similar	Perfect gift	Something Different
Entire HS2 scrapped and replaced with Downing Street to Chequers jetpacks	Only from Amazon	Hancock stands by decision to award contract to his hamster