top of page
Search

Next Pope to be chosen by Simon Cowell



The smoke from the Vatican is normally from all the burning records that the previous Pope was trying to cover up. The real selection is by a 'Conclave', which is Latin for Variety Show.


Traditionally the Pope was chosen by doves, or painted pigeons if cheaper. The candidates would cover themselves in breadcrumbs and then the doves would shit on their favourite. Finally the doves would be released, having pecked to death the losers.


In these enlightened times, each wannabe Pope has to say how they would bring about world peace, while been ogled by a bunch of lecherous old men. The exhaustive process will culminate in a Cardinal sing-off and swimwear round. The winner gets to be in any boy band they want and any choir boy they fancy.


image from pixabay

Evolution going into reverse, says Attenborough. Also, Trump sworn in.



Scientist, national treasure and brother of the Jurassic Park bloke, Sir David Attenborough, has wowed the scientific community by providing proof that evolution has finally started going backwards.


In a paper presented to the International Science Gang, Sir David cites many examples of this phenomenon.


'The rise to prominence of such armpit-scratching, knuckle-draggers like Trump, Musk and Tate is a sure sign of this,' he told the BBC.


'Their three syllable names will soon regress to two syllable names and by 2030, society's 'alpha-males' will just be identified by grunts and whistles. Reality TV shows will get worse with I'm a Celebrity taking part in a real jungle where contestants won't get to leave, Love Island will just be a resort to breed large-breasted, sloping-fore headed dipshits and Britain's Got Talent will just be people on stage throwing their faeces at Simon Cowell. So, it won't be all bad'


He added, 'Within one generation, human beings could be back living in caves, wearing the skins of their enemies to keep warm, and eating the Deliveroo driver.'


However, not all scientists agree. Professor Brian Cox told us, 'Human beings do not have the upper body strength to climb trees any more and, most kids couldn't do it if they had a ladder, their helicopter parents won't let them do anything considered even remotely so dangerous as physical exercise.'


He continued, 'I'm not the one from Succession, by the way.'


New talent show - The Double-X Factor



ITV has announced the launch of a new talent show, The Double-X Factor.


The format will be similar to its famous predecessor, The X Factor, except that any woman who does too well will immediately be accused of being a man.


No amount of producing birth certificates or passports, or pointing out that being a man wouldn’t give them an advantage anyway, will satisfy the snarling newspaper columnists, former children’s authors or keyboard warriors of X (formerly Twitter, now Double-X).


Each show will culminate in the judges lasciviously baying for the contestant to strip naked to prove she’s a woman, leading one audience member to say the idea that Simon Cowell has any desire to see a naked woman was 'the most implausible thing I’ve been expected to believe yet'.


bottom of page