I'll quell N. Korea threat with my big trousers: Simon Cowell's defiant vow
Updated: Jan 3, 2022
Pop entrepreneur, Simon Cowell, last night issued a defiant message to North Korean despot, Kim Jong-un, by pledging his support to the West and vowing to quell any forthcoming aggression from the rogue state by dropping a pair of his enormous, high-waisted trousers over the entire country, blocking out the light and thereby preventing them from aiming their missiles.
Speaking from his home in Palm Springs, Cowell 107, told reporters: “I’ve had just about enough of Kim Jong-un’s sabre rattling and anti-western rhetoric.
"I spoke to Cheryl Cole about it on the phone last night and she suggested dropping a pair of my ridiculously large trousers over North Korea to quell any future threat and I found myself in firm agreement with her.
"I’ve got an absolutely enormous pair in the wardrobe that make me look like an absolute, ocean-going twat and I’ve told President Biden to send round a Chinook helicopter later to pick them up”
A spokesperson for The United Nations told newsmen last night: “With the threat of a nuclear exchange growing exponentially, this offer from Mr Cowell is extremely timely.
"We hope to drop a pair of his idiotic trousers on Pyong Yang later on today. Let’s see how they like that shall we?”
This move by the UN mirrors the action taken by coalition forces during the 2nd Gulf War when an entire battalion of Saddam’s Republican Guard were smothered to death by a pair of gigantic frilly knickers donated to the war effort by BBC London radio host, Vanessa Feltz.