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Biden repeats calls for new ‘shooty stick’ laws


What we need now more than ever is new laws to stop people getting their hands on um those, bang-bang weapons, ’ declared Joe Biden in a press conference this morning. ‘In the wrong hands these, er bullet-pointers cause far more misery than they prevent. That’s why I telephoned Former Ex President er Crumpet and asked him to support my plans to curtail those, er stick ‘em up machines which so many of my fellow Americans conceal in plain sight.




But former president Trump said he respected his assassin’s right to change world history by trying to kill him. ‘It’s everyone’s democratic right to try and shoot the president, Archduke or prime minister using the firearm of his or her choice, only to die in a hail of bullets fired by men who look like they belong in a Blues Brothers movie except for the hats. Whatever happened to hats, by the way? First thing I’m going to do when I become president is to make a law saying my Secret Service detail has to wear hats, except in the Opal Fruit office.’



Meanwhile a spokesperson for the US Secret Service said ‘How in hell did you find out about us? We’re supposed to be totally confidential! And sure we knew about the Crooks guy, we just thought he was gonna miss, that’s all. And frankly he very nearly did. And the ear thing never hurt that Dutch guy. Well I guess it did hurt him but not for that long. These things heal. Anyway it made him famous so what’s not to like?




President Biden later added ‘Shooty sticks is wrong. ‘Guts! No, that’s not right…Er gubs? No that was in a Woody Allen movie. Apparently the guy married his own sister. What is America coming to? What’s needed is a strong fearless President who can shoot straight and do the talking afterwards….Me?... You think so? Aw shucks, you’re just saying that. Well if you’re sure. Wait a minute: Putin! That’s the guy. Not the other guy.’



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First published 16 Jul 2024


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Trump immediately awarded all Nobel prizes


President Donald Trump has been awarded all of the Nobel Prizes on offer following his 2 hour press conference on Monday celebrating one year in office. 


The Nobel Committee admitted they were left with little choice after hearing Trump run through all of his achievements whist in office. 


'Wow, I mean just wow!', said Hans Down, a member of the Nobel committee. 'I literally had no idea about the sheer amount of good stuff that President Trump had done. I mean, talk about hiding your light under a bushel'. 


'All those bad guys that he's rounded up - and those little cards he'd made with all their names on and their crimes was just class', continued Down. 'And the 8 wars he's stopped. 8! I hadn't even heard of some of them, so the press conference was actually an education for me. And just his tone on Venezuela, Greenland, Chagos, Iran - it's so diplomatic. The Peace Prize was a no-brainer - no wonder they call him the Peacemaker's Peacemaker!'. 


The Chemistry prize was awarded to Trump for 'the chemistry he generates in all his dealings with anyone who disagrees or questions him even in the tiniest way, whilst the Physics prize was given to him for a press conference 'in which his sentence construction and rambling narratives defy all known laws'. 


'We've never given the Literature prize to a Press Conference speech before, but President Trump's corpus continues to push the boundaries of fiction', continued Down. 'The fantasy worlds that he conjures up at the lectern and his heroic role in everything that has ever happened in the world since time began is quite remarkable.'


For the physiology/medicine prize the committee pointed to Trump's ground-breaking views on paracetamol as well as the example he sets to public health with his daily 2 Big macs and full fat cokes diet. Whilst in Economics, the committee highlighted how his 'pluck a number out of the air' approach to tariff setting had resulted in the ripping up and rewriting of every economics textbook ever made. 


'They've given me all the Nobels, all the Nobels', said Trump modestly. 'Six of them. Right there. It's a beautiful thing. Never been done before. I don't remember Joe Biden getting any Nobels, unless there was a Nobel Prize for being Sleepy Joe. They took their time but I got what I deserved. I've suggested to the Norwegian guys that they set up some new categories -  best golf course owner, best White House ballroom designer, greatest ever person to ever have lived. Who knows I might be in line for some of these'. 





 


Trump declares war on terrier groups across the world


'After capturing Venezuela's chief narco-terrierist and indicting him in the States,' said an increasingly deranged Donald Trump, stroking a Russian Putin cat at his desk in the Oval Office, 'I'm serving notice on the rest of the world's terrier groups that I'll be coming after them, as well.


'They tell me there are a bunch of terreierists over there in Britain, in Yorkshire and Staffordshire and Airedale, so we'll be sending in Delta Force to take over those places.


'And I'm hearing all the time now about Maltese terrierists, so we better do a regime change in Maltesa - as soon as my generals can find that on a map.


'And the CIA is still looking for a place called Pitbull. It sounds familiar.


'What I really want is for there to some terrier groups in Greenland, because I'd sure like an excuse to invade that place.


'That's why I'm ordering the American Kennel Club to breed up some genuine Greeland terrierists immediately.


'Sleepy Joe knew all about these foreign terrier groups, but he never went after them,' the president continued to rant.


'But that's because he wasn't barking.'


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