Rylan to host Channel 4's election night coverage

Channel 4 has announced the team of political pundits who will maintain its world-beating coverage of the UK General Election on the night of 4th July.

Heading up the incisive analysis will be Rylan Somebody. A spokesman stated, "We hope that Rylan will get behind the big issues and pull everyone that night. Oops! Pull everyone together. Oh dear, that's not much better, is it?"

Rachel Riley will be on everyone's hand to take charge of the numbers as they come in. "It seems likely that the Tories might go for none from the top, whether they want to or not."

Financial analysis will be provided by Blackpool's Mr Austerity, Pete Sandiford from Gogglebox. "Viewers are well aware of Pete's experience and insistence on cutting unnecessary expenditure - like heating and lighting - and how to make a single potato last a week for a family of five. We are hoping to have a dedicated section that evening where Pete and Lee Anderson share tips."

Sustainability and ecology will be the responsibility of Gordon Ramsay. Although outside his usual area of expertise, it is expected that Gordon's forceful character will influence the climate to change its behaviour. "Look! That's too hot! Much too f*cking hot!! What are you trying to do here? You need to turn things down! Way f*cking down! Starting right now!" etc etc

The spokesman concluded, "We had hoped to confirm the inclusion of Simon Cowell, but it's all very dependent on whether the monthly face injections will have set in time to put him under the hot studio lights.

image from pixabay

ITV launch new game show - Jump Off A Cliff

ITV schedulers have been inspired by an idea provided by Britain's Got Talent host Simon Cowell, who has said that he would rather jump off a cliff than host a game show.

'What a brilliant idea,' said an ITV scheduler. 'Instead of getting hapless members of the public to jump off a cliff we instead give them a range of pointless tasks to complete and idiotic questions to answer. If they get it wrong - or right - the presenter jumps off a cliff.

'We're really hopeful Simon Cowell presents the pilot. We'll see how it goes in the ratings to decide whether to greenlight a full series. Should give us time to find a suitable presenter for episode two, although we note Nadine Dorries has been active on TV lately.'

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I'll quell N. Korea threat with my big trousers: Simon Cowell's defiant vow

Pop entrepreneur, Simon Cowell, last night issued a defiant message to North Korean despot, Kim Jong-un, by pledging his support to the West and vowing to quell any forthcoming aggression from the rogue state by dropping a pair of his enormous, high-waisted trousers over the entire country, blocking out the light and thereby preventing them from aiming their missiles.

Speaking from his home in Palm Springs, Cowell 107, told reporters: “I’ve had just about enough of Kim Jong-un’s sabre rattling and anti-western rhetoric.

"I spoke to Cheryl Cole about it on the phone last night and she suggested dropping a pair of my ridiculously large trousers over North Korea to quell any future threat and I found myself in firm agreement with her.

"I’ve got an absolutely enormous pair in the wardrobe that make me look like an absolute, ocean-going twat and I’ve told President Biden to send round a Chinook helicopter later to pick them up”

A spokesperson for The United Nations told newsmen last night: “With the threat of a nuclear exchange growing exponentially, this offer from Mr Cowell is extremely timely.

"We hope to drop a pair of his idiotic trousers on Pyong Yang later on today. Let’s see how they like that shall we?”

This move by the UN mirrors the action taken by coalition forces during the 2nd Gulf War when an entire battalion of Saddam’s Republican Guard were smothered to death by a pair of gigantic frilly knickers donated to the war effort by BBC London radio host, Vanessa Feltz.

image pixabay/mohamed_hassan

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