Vladamira wins 'Russia's Got Talent' without performing

By D. Fenestrate, Music Correspondent and Bolshevik lackey

MOSCOW - Russia has a brand new singing star this morning after Vladamira won the final of Russia’s Got Talent, despite nobody involved in the production having seen her.

The notoriously camera-shy Vladamira delivered a powerful, emotionally charged performance of “You Can Hear Me, Surely?” to a panel of judges who were prevented from hearing her by a completely accidental gas leak. The audience members all said that it was the best song that they have ever heard, despite not being in the room.

The sound desk also failed after its operator was found to have pro-anarchist tendencies. Viewers at home described the performance as ‘silent but powerful’, saying that she deserved to win for the sake of their families.

Her closest competitor, an unnamed Ukrainian singer, had been a favourite with a moving rendition of “Bring Me Home” (To Mother Russia). Sadly, she was unable to complete her performance due to a tragic accident involving a crowbar, a piano stool and a chandelier - none of which were in the room when she entered.

Other competitors who have had very routine accidents have sent their best wishes to Vladamira, saying that they would have never entered the competition if they knew then what they know now.

The Kremlin’s Cultural Envoy has described Vladamira as 'a unifying figure for all Russians who enjoy continuing to sing.' He added, 'Her victory proves that, in Russia, talent will always rise to the top as long as there are not any misplaced windows.'

Meanwhile, the plucky Ukrainian singer’s rendition has been viewed 14 million times, despite never being uploaded. It is being dubbed 'the performance of a lifetime - all four minutes of it.'

Vladamira denies that she is related to the president, despite sharing his surname. She will now represent Russia at Eurovision, where Israel will come in second.

Image credit: Kremlin.ru, CC BY 3.0 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0>, via Wikimedia Commons. Image cropped for publication.

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First Minister defends World Cup expenses

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Image credit: ChatGPT

St Winifred's School Choir declared a terrorist organisation

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Missing the bigger picture and questioning why the fine is in US Dollars, a right-wing impartial news broadcaster was informed that it was because that is the standard currency for supplying black market weapons to Israel.

In another ruling, 'Sh*t Your F**cking B*tch Up', a far-right potty-mouthed rap song by the group M*therf**cking C**nts, known to incite hate and violence, has been declared compulsory curriculum learning at nursery schools under the Freedom of Expression Act.

Asking why they had to sing the rap every morning, Oliver (aged 3) was informed by a Downing Street spokesperson stepping out of the crayon cupboard, 'Because we were told to - by a lobbyist for the crazy rich under the government's super-secret but patently obvious cash-for-batshit-policies scheme.'

Picture credit: Wix AI