More misery for Johnson as Larry the Cat resigns from Cabinet

It has been a bad week for the PM following multiple resignations by senior chief of staff and communications officers at Downing Street. But the crisis was made even worse overnight by the resignation of one of Boris Johnsons most loyal and trusted allies….Larry the cat.

Larry has not only been a confidant and close friend of the Prime Minister throughout his two years in office but has helped shape policy and influence decision making regarding Brexit, Covid and the economy. But Larry told reporters that he had been appalled by recent comments made by the PM it was now time to go.

‘Like countless others before me I often shared a bed with Boris….so I got to know what really motivates him and makes him tick….believe me, it is not pleasant.

'He loves to be adored and pampered and fussed over. …I couldn’t get a look in. We cats are known for being able to pleasure our own arse as part of our grooming regime….but we can’t hold a candle to the obsequious Tory sycophants and unctuous enablers who still support this lying, mendacious clown ….slavering over his gaping sphincter and mopping up his excess bowel movements like it was manna from heaven.

'Well…enough is enough. I am one of the few remaining at Number 10 who can leave with their head held high and dignity still intact….even though I have just shit in Nadine Dorries handbag and left a fur ball in Rishi Sunaks jar of Brylcreem.

I have now emptied my litter in-tray and taken my last shit in the rose garden.

And if Carrie is wondering who scratched the fuck out of that tawdry wallpaper.........'

Image: cocoparisienne | Pixabay

Prime Minister triumphant after by-election landslide

The Prime Minister was reported to be ‘cock-a-hoop’ after the result of yesterday’s by-election was announced. He has been quoted as saying:-

“This is a great result for me, and also possibly for the Tory party. All those prophets of doom – so-called journalists, Tory back benchers, The Chancellor, people with integrity etc. etc. – have been proved utterly and completely wrong. I congratulate whoever won (I’ve temporarily forgotten his name), wherever it was.

Our candidate won 84% of the vote! And where did the Labour and Liberal Democrats come? Nowhere!!

To use of a phrase of a great Conservative icon, I promised that Boris’ll fix it and I have!

There have been some irresponsible comments recently that 100% correct facts that I stated in Parliament were somewhat misleading. All I did was suggest that the Rt. Honourable Leader of the Opposition was an odious kiddy-fiddling spawn of Satan who was personally responsible for Jack the Ripper not being prosecuted. This of course was pure Parliamentary cut-and-thrust and banter. It was nothing personal and I have graciously accepted Kier’s apology.

Anyway, onwards and upwards! Rejoice!! The Bozza is back!!! Let the partying begin!!!!”

Breaking news - Sir Keir Starmer 'killed Bambi's mother and stole Christmas claims Johnson

by demnicgroin

Shouting over his shoulder at opposition MPs while sprinting round the House of Commons to escape members of the Metropolitan Police, Boris Johnson today made a number of devastating claims about his opposite number in the House, Sir Keir Starmer. Among the claims made by Mr. Johnson were that Sir Keir 'did it and ran away', 'both smelt it and dealt it', and 'broke up the Beatles by being Yoko Ono'.

Critics of the Prime Minister countered by suggesting that Mr. Johnson might be making wild unsubstantiated allegations purely in order to distract attention from growing public anger over the number of illegal parties held at Number Ten, Downing Street during lockdown, to which Mr. Johnson riposted: 'Look over there, it's the Loch Ness Monster! Keir Starmer is the Loch Ness Monster and Bigfoot! You'll never take me alive, copper!'

Dominic Cummings was available for comment, but we felt dirty talking to him.