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Andy Burnham will be same as Starmer, but Northern—which is worse


The fear within the Labour Party is that they will be replacing one horrendous human being with an exact copy, but this time with an unlimited supply of tea. So far Burnham's policies are to carry on as normal, but greet every human, animal, and lamppost with 'alright, love?'.


In a tailored speech Burnham denied this, as his brass band struck up, and he threw his flat cap into the crowd. He insisted that he would face the economic challenges—coatless. However, a bit like 'Wonderwall', his northern credentials are so overplayed that everyone is sick of them. His spokeswoman added. 'Andy is not a Northern stereo-type, he is his own man…now please pass the gravy.'


image by Gemini Google

Starmer's message to removal companies


Number Ten has issued a warning message to all removal companies. Firms are warned that many Labour MPs are trying to wind up the PM by placing bogus bookings with removal companies to move him out of Downing Street.


An official sighed, 'We are getting two or three calls a week. The political mood is febrile and some MPs think it's really hilarious to book removal firms for Keir. So we are warning all removal firms about this childish stuff.


'For clarity, there is a short list of pre-approved removal firms. Companies that are not on the list will never be contacted about moving the PMs stuff. Companies that are on the list will always receive an order number that quotes the prearranged contact number. The pranksters haven't really thought things through.


'In similar vein, companies should ignore orders purporting to be from Downing Street to order valium, parachutes, escape capsules, diarrhoea medicine, bulletproof vests, tiramisu, body armour, tin hats, and white flags.



Starmer to crack down on hate by limiting elections


"The Prime Minister is deeply worried about the rising levels of hatred in Britain," said a party spokes-victim.


"It's coming from people on the left, on the right... everywhere. Everybody is attacking us with blind fury simply because we happen to be Labour politicians.


"Just because we're different to you - being so much more stupid and useless - doesn't mean you should hate us, or go off and vote for Reform UK."


At press time, the Prime minister was wondering whether to limit people's rights to take part in elections, on the grounds that they were often outlets for people to cast hate-fuelled, anti-Starmerist votes.



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