Starmer shows Trump how Churchillian he is

Rattled by Donald Trump's jibe that he is "no Churchill", Starmer appeared in the Commons wearing a bowler hat and bowtie and smoking a large cigar.

"We will fight them on the beaches!" growled Sir Keir from the despatch box.

'Subject to the restrictions on military activity in Section 46 of the Coastal Amenities Act, 1972,' he added, inadvertently returning to his default setting of pettifogging, rules-bound lawyer.

Going back to bulldog Churchill mode, he barked out: 'Some chicken! Some neck!' before saying: 'Please don't hurt me, Mr Trump.'

To groans and catcalls from both sides of the House, Sir Keir shouted out desperately: 'Now we are masters of our own destiny!

'And that's why this government will never again dare to refuse a demand from the US presidency," squeaked the latter-day Churchill, "no matter how blitheringly idiotic it might be.'

Hat-tip to lockjaw for the image

Gold for Team GB as Keir Starmer wins the 500m skating on thin ice

There was restrained, almost apologetic jubilation at Team GB headquarters last night as Keir Starmer secured gold in the newly created Olympic discipline, Skating on Thin Ice.

The course itself was a triumph of modern hazard management, featuring a crevasse filled with snowflake WASPI women, a regiment of frozen pensioners, a slalom of compulsory U-turns, an avalanche of meaningless apologies and a lake of ice so thin it was last seen hosting a Labour policy announcement.

Starmer, dressed in his trademark figure-hugging grey aerodynamic suit, grey tie, grey hi-vis vest and grey helmet, employed what commentators described as the “Dull Lawyer’s Glide”, a textbook move straight out the choreography textbook.

Extra points were awarded for technical difficulty after Starmer simultaneously committed to crossing the lake, ruled it out, reintroduced it as a possibility and then insisted he had already crossed it several times in principle.

Bob Sleigh, Head of Team GB Pointless Sports, praised the performance. “With a modicum of skill, a dearth of talent and the personality of a broken office thermostat, Keir has shown that you really can avoid political death and cling to survival by your fingernails.”

Starmer thanked the crowd, apologised for winning, apologised again for the apology, and commissioned a review into whether gold medals were still appropriate in the current climate.

image by Grok

Labour have had more resets than Windows Vista

The PM is demanding more time for the nation to decide if they really hate them. According to allies, Mr. Starmer is just one re-branding away from becoming popular—like Elon Musk's X. Hoping that public policy is just a Wi‑Fi router, Sir Keir thinks giving it a good kick and shake will save his arse.

Trying to reset humanity’s collective memory of anything he did in the last five years is unlikely, given his internet search history and his cheeky little genocide. A friend said. "I'm not sure clicking the ruby slippers together will get us back to Kansas. I fear that it will just send Keir to the Epstein Island, with P-Diddy and the Child Catcher."

image from pixabay