Sky's daytime channels to stop broadcasting regular shows from next month

Sky has announced the ending of regular programming on its daytime channels from the start of next month.

Instead, they will show wall-to-wall adverts for funeral plans mixed with others featuring pointless gadgets for that drawer in your kitchen that's specially reserved for unused useless stuff - old washers, odd chopsticks and the pack of playing cards you take away on holiday, despite it only having 51 cards.

Trevor Harper, a channel spokesman, said. 'This is the future of daytime content. We're riding the crest of a new wave. No more repeats of Homes Under The Hammer or Bargain Hunt for the 30th time. We're giving our viewers what they really want. Extensive research showed 99.99% of our audience doesn't care for actual traditional programming at all. Funeral plan ads are what they like in particular. Can't get enough of them. And now there are so many companies in the stiffs game, fitting actual programming in has become really difficult.' 

One couple cock-a-hoop at the news are Albert and Gladys Pethridge from Cheam. Albert tells us, 'I'm sick to the back teeth seeing that effing Alan Titchmarsh geezer or Del Boy and Rodney. So I couldn't wait to get signed up for my final journey. It'll make me the happiest man dead to know that Glad and all the family will have a blinding knees-up when I go. Gives me a nice warm feeling. Though I hope that's not an omen. Har har.

'I couldn't decide if I wanted toasted then scattered, or stuck down a hole. So I signed up for the "surprise send-off" which will add a bit of spice to the big day. Whatever I get, you can be sure I'll be smiling down... or maybe up...  at them all from wherever I am.'

Gladys, busily crocheting a new poncho for granddaughter, River, looks up briefly, gives an enigmatic smile and asks, 'Now, just in case, remember to show me where you've put the life insurance documents, won't you? Oh and do hurry up and drink your Bovril before it goes cold. Funny taste indeed. Really, Albert. Sometimes I wonder about you.'

Photo by Odalv on Unsplash

Sky News gives impartial view on Sharp resignation from BBC

According to inside sources Sky News will be releasing a program covering the recent resignation of Richard Sharp the soon to be former chairman of the BBC.

The ninety minute documentary titled 'Hahahahahaha you license fee sucking vampires' delves deep into the dodgy dealings surrounding the appointment and subsequent resignation of Richard Sharp. In an interview that Sky News gave to itself a spokesperson for the production said the following:

'Not only did we want to make sure that anyone we platformed backed up their claims with evidence, we also wanted to make sure that we were asking these questions in a sensitive way that took into account the human beings involved. Then we remembered that we were dealing with the BBC and what goes around comes around.'

Sharp's resignation comes after an inquiry found he created the appearance of a conflict of interest by not fully disclosing his knowledge of the ex-prime minister's personal finances after helping to facilitate a loan between Canadian businessman Sam Blyth and Former Prime Minister Boris Johnson.

‘We've seen a lot of reports claiming that the loan was 800,000 dollars, but in the interest of balance we also should hear from the people that say the loan was actually one billion dollars and involved man on man action in the bathtub. You know, for balance.'

Sky News are also alleged to have acquired the list of people potentially being considered to replace Sharp which include; Nadine Dorries, Ghislaine Maxwell, Sue Gray, and an Austrian born man with a funny little moustache.

Bbc Sign - Free photo on Pixabay

First published 4 May 2023

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BBC to be funded by Twitter Verified status

With the licence fee unlikely to be extended beyond FY 26/27, the BBC is searching for ways to fund itself.  'Obviously advertising isn't going to work,' a corporation spokesman stated, noting the decline in advertising revenue globally that would only be diluted by the BBC entering the party.  It was thought that making the taxpayer fund the broadcaster was the solution - practically the same as a licence fee but just not pretending the licence isn't a tax.  But then it was noted that Sky owner, Rupert Murdoch, appeared to support the idea.  'So that's off the table, then,' said the spokesman.

A subscription model has been discussed, but it is thought to be as successful as running a Premier football team without a shady oligarch funding the 95% shortfall in costs being covered, or not covered, by ticket sales.  'Shame really, as some of our staff are paid like Premier League footballers, especially as some of them used to be Premier League footballers,' he added.

'We did consider the GB News model - spout fascist propaganda 24/7, employ horrible, nasty presenters and market mainly hate, but to be fair Laura Kuenssberg is already filling that role and then you're back to the 95% of costs needed to be covered by a shady oligarch,' he said.

'So, we've decided to invest £8 a month for a verified blue tick - it actually wasn't the BBC who got the verified tick, it was a made up person called @brian0999945733745 who got it - and all our content is going to run on Twitter and Musk will pay, pay, pay,' said the Spokesman.  

'We're not doing it on Facebook, though.  That would be really lowering ourselves.  We've got standards,' he lied.