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Sky offer £1.6bn not to watch re-runs of Surprise Surprise


Despite signalling their intentions to buy ITV, Sky executives have made it clear that they will pay anything to avoid Cilla Black singing. Said one, ‘We want a streaming service, not a sewage pump. For every Brideshead Revisited there are thirteen seasons of Love Island we have to delete first. For every Downtown Abbey there is a…well…another Downtown Abbey.’


The majority of the £1.6bn will be spent on kerosine and a large box of matches, as much of ITV’s content will be lovingly archived as part of a barbeque. They will of course retain the best bits-which is the Granda logo, a signed photograph from the cast of ‘On the Buses’ and Phillip Schofield’s leaver’s card.


‘We’ll keep a few family favourites, like Jeremy Kyle driving people to suicide and the animal cruelty from ‘I’m a Celebrity…’. But our many focus will be turning Coronation Street into a global brand, or failing that, a cute box of chocolates. Oh, and we’ll keep the adverts, we love the adverts.’


image from Grok


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Sky News Helicopter Cheaper Than Train Fare


Critics of Sky News's decision follow Andy Burnham's so-called "coronation procession" from Manchester to London on the West Coast Main Line with a helicopter have backed down after the channel pointed out that chartering the rotor-craft cost less than buying two walk-up singles for the 10.55 departure from Manchester Piccadilly. 


"Of course we wanted to be on the train," said correspondent Bea Ching. "We felt the public needed to know important things: is he a latte or cappuccino PM in waiting, can he do the Sudoku before the inevitable wait at Crewe? Problem was, we got to the Avanti Desk and they wanted so much for an on-the-day first class ticket that we just thought 'sod it' and dangled the camera out a helicopter window instead. It felt a bit like Treasure Hunt, with Beth Rigby as Wincey Willis back in the studio."


The channel has promised that further coverage of the change in Labour Leader will be more cost-effective, telling us, "We've contacted Martin Lewis, and he's said if we buy the tickets on a full moon in a month with five Saturdays, promise to spin round three times at Watford Junction, and only have the Rich Tea biscuits, we can save over three quid on the return journey when Andy goes back to Manchester on Friday to resign as Mayor."



Sky's daytime channels to stop broadcasting regular shows from next month



Sky has announced the ending of regular programming on its daytime channels from the start of next month.


Instead, they will show wall-to-wall adverts for funeral plans mixed with others featuring pointless gadgets for that drawer in your kitchen that's specially reserved for unused useless stuff - old washers, odd chopsticks and the pack of playing cards you take away on holiday, despite it only having 51 cards.


Trevor Harper, a channel spokesman, said. 'This is the future of daytime content. We're riding the crest of a new wave. No more repeats of Homes Under The Hammer or Bargain Hunt for the 30th time. We're giving our viewers what they really want. Extensive research showed 99.99% of our audience doesn't care for actual traditional programming at all. Funeral plan ads are what they like in particular. Can't get enough of them. And now there are so many companies in the stiffs game, fitting actual programming in has become really difficult.' 


One couple cock-a-hoop at the news are Albert and Gladys Pethridge from Cheam. Albert tells us, 'I'm sick to the back teeth seeing that effing Alan Titchmarsh geezer or Del Boy and Rodney. So I couldn't wait to get signed up for my final journey. It'll make me the happiest man dead to know that Glad and all the family will have a blinding knees-up when I go. Gives me a nice warm feeling. Though I hope that's not an omen. Har har.


'I couldn't decide if I wanted toasted then scattered, or stuck down a hole. So I signed up for the "surprise send-off" which will add a bit of spice to the big day. Whatever I get, you can be sure I'll be smiling down... or maybe up...  at them all from wherever I am.'


Gladys, busily crocheting a new poncho for granddaughter, River, looks up briefly, gives an enigmatic smile and asks, 'Now, just in case, remember to show me where you've put the life insurance documents, won't you? Oh and do hurry up and drink your Bovril before it goes cold. Funny taste indeed. Really, Albert. Sometimes I wonder about you.'


Photo by Odalv on Unsplash

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