Stress-testing of Simon Calder essential to future supply of travel comments, say media

Stress-testing of travel expert Simon Calder is absolutely essential to maintain a regular supply of quotes, quick TV interviews, and responses to any travel-related news story in the future, media outlets have confirmed today. 

Following near continuous appearances on TV, social media and in newspapers talking about the National Air Traffic Control systems failures, there have been calls for regular checks on Calder to ensure that his capacity for providing quotable content and exhibiting genuine enthusiasm at the opportunities afforded by travel remain at their peak. 

'Calder's systems appear to have remained robust in the face of an unprecedented amount of requests for interviews over the last couple of weeks ', said one media insider. 

'His segue on Sky News this morning moving from talking about the NATS problems to a 30 second soliloquy on how nice the Croatian coastline is at this time of year for families truly was the work of a pro at the top of his game'.

'And then to appear just 15 minutes later on The Today Programme, skilfully avoiding Nick Robinson's clumsy attempt to get him to blame the government for the NATS breakdowns by moving things on to talk about the ongoing value of annual travel insurance - genius'. 

'But there's only 24 hours in a day, we just need to test him regularly to guarantee that supplies of travel comments keep coming through', continued the insider. 

Stress-testing would require Calder to subject himself to a series of gruelling mental and physical challenges, including answering 20 quick-fire questions on topics such as currency exchange rates, the best regional airports outside London, and the optimum route for a motorhome trip through the Dordogne in October. This would be followed by a two-minute critique of a randomly selected holiday itinerary, such as a two-week trip to Orlando theme parks for a family of 4  at Easter, or a south-med cruise-and-stay trip for 2 recent retirees. Finally, Calder would be subjected to a one-minute interview from Kay Burley. 

'I do need to look after myself, certainly', said Calder animatedly to camera. 'There's always a danger of spreading yourself too thin, like you might do when you use just one little sachet of butter on your toast at a lovely all-inclusive breakfast at a 4 star hotel in Rhodes. Lovely place, I'd really recommend it in late Summer, and don't forget to leave yourself enough time to visit the Old Town, it really is a gem...'

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Sky offer £1.6bn not to watch re-runs of Surprise Surprise

Despite signalling their intentions to buy ITV, Sky executives have made it clear that they will pay anything to avoid Cilla Black singing. Said one, ‘We want a streaming service, not a sewage pump. For every Brideshead Revisited there are thirteen seasons of Love Island we have to delete first. For every Downtown Abbey there is a…well…another Downtown Abbey.’

The majority of the £1.6bn will be spent on kerosine and a large box of matches, as much of ITV’s content will be lovingly archived as part of a barbeque. They will of course retain the best bits-which is the Granda logo, a signed photograph from the cast of ‘On the Buses’ and Phillip Schofield’s leaver’s card.

‘We’ll keep a few family favourites, like Jeremy Kyle driving people to suicide and the animal cruelty from ‘I’m a Celebrity…’. But our many focus will be turning Coronation Street into a global brand, or failing that, a cute box of chocolates. Oh, and we’ll keep the adverts, we love the adverts.’

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Sky News Helicopter Cheaper Than Train Fare

Critics of Sky News's decision follow Andy Burnham's so-called "coronation procession" from Manchester to London on the West Coast Main Line with a helicopter have backed down after the channel pointed out that chartering the rotor-craft cost less than buying two walk-up singles for the 10.55 departure from Manchester Piccadilly. 

"Of course we wanted to be on the train," said correspondent Bea Ching. "We felt the public needed to know important things: is he a latte or cappuccino PM in waiting, can he do the Sudoku before the inevitable wait at Crewe? Problem was, we got to the Avanti Desk and they wanted so much for an on-the-day first class ticket that we just thought 'sod it' and dangled the camera out a helicopter window instead. It felt a bit like Treasure Hunt, with Beth Rigby as Wincey Willis back in the studio."

The channel has promised that further coverage of the change in Labour Leader will be more cost-effective, telling us, "We've contacted Martin Lewis, and he's said if we buy the tickets on a full moon in a month with five Saturdays, promise to spin round three times at Watford Junction, and only have the Rich Tea biscuits, we can save over three quid on the return journey when Andy goes back to Manchester on Friday to resign as Mayor."

Image: RonPorter - Pixabay

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