New executive order from Trump: 'Call me Honest Donald'

The US president issued an executive order today saying that everyone should call him Honest Donald or get sued.

'They called Abraham Lincoln Honest Abe,' dribbled Trump at the signing ceremony, 'but people are saying that all he did was lie - lie down after being assassinated that is. What a loser.'

'Lincoln said he abolished slavery, but slavery's still happening like you wouldn't believe.

'I treat all my cabinet secretaries and my NATO allies like they're my slaves.

'And I saw a whole load of slaves on Epstein's sleazy, vice-ridden island. Sexy, underage slaves, who I definitely did not rape, because Honest Donald has never, ever visited.'

Image: WixAI

Revealed: Women who make lunch for the women who get paid 10p an hour get paid 5p an hour

In yet another scandal set to rock the much vaunted moral foundations of the Sussex’s business team, it has been revealed that the women who make lunch for the workers who get paid 10p an hour to make Meghan Markle’s ‘ethical’ £700 handbag range get paid as little as 5p an hour and no more than 9p, with that sum only going to childless night shift workers who don’t require batch-bussing to the isolated plant.

In an investigation requiring just two phone calls, one of the women who makes the lunch for the women who get paid 10p an hour to make Meghan’s £700 handbags who gets paid 5p an hour said, ‘It’s true. The women who make the lunch for the women who get paid 10p an hour to make Meghan’s £700 handbags get paid 5p an hour.’

Shockingly, some of the women who make lunch for the women who get paid 10p an hour to make Meghan’s £700 handbags who get paid 5p an hour are as young as 16 years old. One reported anonymously, ‘The women who get paid 10p an hour to make Meghan’s £700 handbags are usually older but some of the women who make the lunch for the women who get paid 10p an hour to make Meghan’s £700 handbags who get paid 5p an hour are as young as 16.’

Meghan Markle refused to comment directly, but a representative of her office rejected the suggestion that the women who make the lunch for the women who get paid 10p an hour to make Meghan’s £700 handbags get paid 5p an hour. ‘It is not true that the women who make the lunch for the women who get paid 10p an hour to make Meghan’s £700 handbags get paid 5p an hour.’

Next story: WIN one of Meghan’s £700 ethical handbags!

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Leaked Memo Advises Republican Candidates to 'Tone Down' Support for Slavery

A recently leaked campaign consultant’s memo advises Republican candidates in America’s 2024 elections to ‘tone down’ their support for slavery, the catastrophic regime of violent race-based labor exploitation that tore the United States apart in the mid-19th century. ‘While most of us now recognize that slavery has acquired a negative connotation thanks to the unremitting smears of the woke abolitionist media,’ the memo states, ‘candidates need to understand that the issue remains a sore spot for certain key voter demographics.’

The memo advises candidates to refer to slavery using other less incendiary terms, such as ‘flexible remuneration’ or ‘insourcing.’ Candidates should avoid using the phrase ‘zero-dollar contracts,’ the memo notes, because the phrase ‘underperformed’ in focus group testing.

The leak comes in the wake of revelations that Mark Robinson, the Republican candidate for governor of North Carolina, has expressed support on social media for reinstating slavery. Robinson, who is Black, denies the assertion, which has been reported by numerous news outlets.

Robinson also denies having made a torrent of sexist, racist, homophobic, Islamophobic, transphobic, antisemitic, and misogynist remarks on social media over the last decade attributed to him by several major news organizations. These denials come on the heels of his denials involving a more recent torrent of sexist, racist, homophobic, Islamophobic, transphobic, antisemitic, and misogynist remarks.

‘You have to hand it to the guy, he’s thorough,' said a veteran North Carolina political strategist. 'As far as I can tell, he’s insulted just about everyone except left-handed people and Elvis impersonators,’

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