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Conservatives deny name change to 'The Ed Sheeran' Party is a diversionary tactic

'

It's absurd to suggest that our proposed name change is a reaction to an unfortunate series of current events. We've been planning this for months, and it's nothing more than a forward step towards re-aligning our great and noble party with our voters. To say otherwise is Poppycock and piffle of the highest order,' said a source close to said Jacob Rees-Mogg, Keeper of her Majesties Hand Towels and Distraction Czar.


'We are in no way cashing in on the inexplicable popularity of a young man with ginger hair and a small guitar.


'No-one batted an eyelid when Labour temporarily changed its name to 'The Beatles Party' back in the sixties in a desperate bid to fool the electorate.'


'For some reason, the words 'The Conservative party' have become toxic, along with the name 'Boris Johnson.' Our leader is about as popular as Herring Gull shit on chips, and we're hoping this completely coincidental name change will do the trick and see us through the next by-election. We've also suggested to the Prime Minister that perhaps changing his name to Ed Sheeran would be a spiffingly good idea.'




Government denies that it's one rule for them and another rule for everyone else


The government has categorically denied that it’s one rule for them and another rule for everyone else.


'On the contrary,' said a spokesperson today, 'It’s one rule for us and literally millions of rules for everyone else. Definitely way more than one.'


According to government insiders, the one rule for them is:


'Do what you like and don’t get caught.'


Ministers agree that this is a simple, easy to follow, rule. It cuts down on internal bureaucracy, lets government get on with its business and, indeed, pleasure, unsupervised.


The myriad of rules for us include:


‘No sneezing without a hat’

‘No parties until we tell you’

‘Don’t ask stupid questions’

‘No cheese after 5pm on a Thursday, unless accompanied by a vicar.’ (This only applies in Berkshire)

‘No hairstyle jokes’

‘No bathing’

‘No dogs on skateboards’


For our convenience the government has collected these rules into a handy-sized booklets called ‘statutes’. There is a copy in the house of commons library but no one has read them because they don’t need to.






Newly elected Tory MP 'too busy to attend surgeries' says party chair


A newly elected Tory MP has thanked those who voted for him but says he is unable to visit his constituency, arrange local surgeries or attend the House of Commons because he is too busy dealing with more important issues and a backlog of outside interests.


The MP for Old Hoaxley and Sickup said he would get around to doing something about it one day but for now he was far too busy concentrating on a complex business arrangement he has with an old business chum based in the Cayman Islands and securing another place on the board of an FT listed company.


‘The phone hasn’t stopped ringing since I won the seat’ said the incoming new man ‘it would be great to meet some of the voters who elected me at some point in the future and listen to their moans and groans but at the moment it’s just not convenient.’


Party chair Olivia Cowden said the new MP would prove to be a dedicated and hard working servant for his constituency but at the moment was a bit busy sorting out a few other things.


‘Sickcup….that’s in the south-east of London right’ said the MP ‘just clarifying that before we go any further.’








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