To mark the start of August's ‘silly season’, the Conservative Party has unveiled its annual Super Summer Sleaze Spectacular to entertain the news-starved public.
“They’re a bit like Christmas pantomimes,” said party chairman and fundraising mogul Ben Elliot, “except they’re not that funny and they never have a happy ending.
“As usual, the anti-hero is Prince Charmless. Quintessentially, he is a sneering, money-minded toff who thinks that the common rules of behaviour shouldn’t apply to chaps like him. I’m playing that part after a superb run by Lord Michael Ashcroft.
“Then there’s the comedy villain Thurrilibad – a super-rich Middle Eastern businessman with a history of dubious financial deals and an iffy dress sense. This character is always under the hilarious delusion that meeting Prince Charles or having a question asked in parliament will somehow double his fortune. Mohamed Amersi is making his debut in this role after a magnificent series of performances by Mohamed al Fayed.”
In keeping with an age-old tradition, this year’s Summer Sleaze plot revolves around the Conservative Party raising millions of pounds for its coffers by connecting squillionaires with government ministers at its secret masked balls and no one getting prosecuted for it afterwards.
“Look out for the show’s sad sack, Boris Hardup of Chequers Hall,” continued Elliot. “He’s the one who comes on and says: ‘Where’s my cut? Hang it all, I’m the one who’s going to be getting the blame for all this! Why didn’t I get any squillions?’
“The Tory Summer of Sleaze is a sop we like to throw to the taxpaying plebs,” sneered Elliot. “It gives them the chance to boo and hiss the ruling party to their hearts’ delight and then forget all about it until the next scandal erupts, which will be some time before Christmas.”