Number 10 have confirmed that the Prime Minister is to take up smoking and being photographed with pints. Smoking teacher Curt Stephens, who coached the cast of Peaky Blinders in cinematic smoking techniques has been engaged by the Labour Party.
‘People think smoking is easy. I suppose it is, if you started young, like Nigel. Late adopters need to train hard, develop their technique, work towards a personal style. It’s the same with beer – you can tell when somebody secretly hates the stuff. If Keir wants power he’s just gonna have to do the work’.
Other moves to boost the PM’s popularity include artificial face leathering, a controversial cosmetic treatment which makes the person’s face look like an old leather sofa.
Mr Starmer has been taking speech lessons for many years without noticeable improvement to his voice, which still makes him sound like a librarian pleading with a mugger. Now he has to master new inflections and catchphrases, including “No, no, no!” (with a chuckle) and “Boring!” whenever he’s asked a really incisive question.
Party insiders are sceptical about the plan, which No 10 has named Operation Mincemeat after the famous WW2 operation where a dead tramp was disguised as a dead officer to fool the Germans.
‘It isn’t just Keir’, an MP told us. ‘Angela’s having elocution lessons, though that’s not going so well – she chinned her teacher this morning. She’s trying, though – she’s been walking round the office with a book on her head all day, reciting “How now you f*cking cow”.
The change in leadership style follows poll results which show that a majority of Britons would prefer a cross between Genghis Khan and Hugh Grant as PM, though they would settle for Nigel Farage - a cross between Adolf Hitler and Benny Hill.
