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Speaking to a packed press conference she confessed that she had a beachside property near Hastings. Her aide confirmed: 'Scotland is cold and miserable - and that's it's best bits.'
Many in the Scottish Independence movement will have felt betrayed by her admission that Burns Night sounded like an evening spent in A&E. The aide said: 'Since leading the SNP, she's really struggled to understand the accent. Quite frankly, anyone from Glasgow is unintelligible.'
In a carefully worded statement, she confirmed that she never liked whiskey and felt that kilts were ridiculous. 'She's a big Arsenal fan and gets a nosebleed every time she goes north of the Watford Gap. Technically she will be supporting the independence movement, but this time from the right side of the border.'
Nicola Sturgeon is set to wriggle off the hook of recent controversies today as she slips the net of politics and announces her intention to resign as leader of the SNP.
Kirsty MacKarrel is tipped by insiders to be the likely next leader of the SNP.
She is said to be favoured by the traditionalists in the party, and by past leader Alec Salmond, primarily because her name fits the established convention of being fish-based.
The SNP was asked to comment, but they clammed up.
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