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The Government says that prisoners will replace immigrants in providing social care.


Visas for foreign care workers are being scrapped. The work will instead be done by low risk prisoners.


The Government says that this is a win-win. The scheme frees up prison places, trains convicts to help them get work on release, and reduces costs for social care providers who will not have to pay the prisoners for their work.


But charities supporting the elderly are worried about the scheme. They believe that elderly people will learn bad habits from their carers, and may end up running romance scams, drug rings or illegal immigration schemes. Old people in care may have no compunction in turning to crime. If they have sold their homes to pay for care, then they may turn to crime to get revenge.


Colin Dodd, aged 971/2, is disappointed. 'Where are the robots? We've been promised robots for ages but I reckon they are too expensive, don't work and have all been swiped by the rich.


'I've got nothing against criminals - after all, someone has to run the country. And I've got nothing against healthcare workers . They are all very badly paid, apart from the ones who work for agencies. Them lot are coining it in - premium rates, triple shifts, overtime, the lot.


'I reckon a robot would be more effective, more patient and better spoken. If possible, I'd like to be looked after by Buzz Lightyear. He'd be able to find my teeth, remember than I'm quite deaf, and help me to achieve my dream of learning to fly.'





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The government has been accused of lacking compassion after thousands of scroats have unexpectedly been released early from prison to make way for Nigel Farage and Tommy Robinson’s rioting mates.


'We thought we'd seen the back of him for long enough to turn our lives around" a Mrs Grout told Newsbiscuit "But the kids have only just got used to their latest dad; and he'll get told to sling his hook sharpish, when the original one comes home.'


More prisoners are expected to be released when the Post Office and Covid Inquiry reports are published to find room for the Tory Party and its corrupt mates.


Social workers however, are warning of potential problems prison workers' families may face after wardens have to spend their days in the company of these dregs of humanity, with no way to vent their anger before they return home.


A suggestion that wardens’ families could be provided with a cat for wardens to kick has been met with outrage by felinists.

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