Boris says people will have to sell their own grandmothers to pay for social care

Whether people live in Kensington (average grandmother price £1.2m) or Scumton in the north (average grandmother price £3.99), they'll all have to flog off their elderly relatives, announced Prime Minister and part-time note shuffler, Boris Johnson. In a keynote speech where he lost all the keynotes, Mr Johnson said that social care was jolly expensive.

"For example, it's almost as expensive as the Aston Martin that daddies next-door neighbour drives. That‘s hardly fair or equitable is it? Spending £300,000 spoon-feeding the nation's

old bats is not sustainable.

So everyone must sell their own grandmother's to pay for all this nonsense, and I'm asking the treasury to look into making them selling the dead ones as well. They must be worth a few quid, after all."

image from pixabay

Get more NewsBiscuit humour on Amazon

Something Similar	eBook, paperback or hardback	Something Different
Active pensioner told to take it easy	Make someone happy this Christmas	Tories to form breakaway Super League of Lobbying

Tories: 'Burn down country, claim National Insurance money'

National Insurance contributions are being increased, in a move likely to be popular with Conservatives, as it disproportionately targets the young and lower earners, two groups least able to pay and who would be insufficiently targeted by tax rises. Tax rises are triggering for Tories as they can lead to wealthier people paying more and even election defeats. Cries of ‘Oh yeah, stick it in my veins’ could clearly be heard emerging from 1922 Committee types all over Westminster.

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst snorted: ‘An essential piece of Johnsonian disaster capitalism is that you need to cause as many disasters as possible. This Tory government is doing its best to burn the country to the ground so that we can claim National Insurance money. That’s how it works, right? Increased social care? No, that doesn’t sound very 'on-brand' for us.’

Image: ArtTower/Pixabay