top of page
Search

Silicon Valley CEOs rejoice at annual data harvest festival



'Let us thank God, our great provider, for blessing us with yet another year's harvest of everyone's personal data," said lay preacher Mark Zuckerberg to his fellow hi-tech barons in the Cathedral Church of St Elon X in Palo Alto.


'Yet again, we have toiled hard and suckered billions of people online into handing over to us a delicious crop of personal details, browsing habits and spending patterns. And we have achieved this by being completely opaque about what information we are gathering from them and who we are selling it to.


'And we thank the Good Lord that for another year, the regulators have left us free to reap highly lucrative data from our fellow citizens in whatever sneaky way we like.


'So why don't all you unscrupulous CEOs give yourselves a treat? Reach into these baskets up here at the altar, which are full of harvest-time donations from the most innocent and unsuspecting souls in our cyber-community, and help yourselves to some extra-large sheaves of personal info to flog off to dodgy retailers and finance companies.


'I have no idea why our Lord and Saviour consistently grants us filthy-rich sinners such bountiful data harvests, year after year," continued Preacher Zuckerberg, looking bashful. "But intelligence suggests it may actually be the demon Mammon who's been doing us all these foul favours.


'So forget our Lord and Saviour. Praise Mammon for his providence, and glorify his name!'


Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash

Astronomers face unexpected attack from social media



Having found that planet HD 189733 b whiffs of rotten eggs, social media keyboard warriors have raised concerns that scientists may be training the James Webb Space Telescope to search for planets that smell of sugar and spice and all things nice and have accused these scientists of paedophillia, since this is what little girls are alleged to be made from.


Sir Patrick Valance, who was recently appointed by the Prime Minister as Science Minister said the idea was almost as absurd as those he heard government ministers spout during the pandemic, but the Reform UK leader echoed the words of Mandy Rice-Davies of the Profumo scandal fame, by saying “Well he would say that, wouldn’t he?”




Farage fury at Reform candidate's lack of racist social media posts



A Reform UK spokesman adjusted his police mandated ankle tag before bellowing 'Our party has a rich history of racism. As Nigel said, most people are racists, so why not cut out the middle man and vote for us.'


'Disappointingly, some Reform candidates have only been publicly spewing hate in the dim and distant past - as far back in archaeological time as 2022 in some cases. Saying Hitler had some good ideas is on brand for us, but that post needs to have been made within the last year, otherwise you're basically part of the woke agenda destroying Britain. Why do you hate Britain so much eh?'


Asked about Rishi Sunak's hasty D-Day retreat, the spokesman spat contemptuously 'Here at Reform UK, we believe that fascism is a core British Value. We venerate all those soldiers that gave their lives on D-Day, defending fascism.'


Image: Newsbiscuit

bottom of page