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The Government has responded to claims that they've scouted someone for a ministerial post who intentionally crashed a plane.

'Yes, we were a little worried that he might have done it intentionally,' said a Government spokesperson, 'but as the old adage goes: think incompetence before malice, but never rule out malice...and we've adopted that as our recruitment strategy.

'If he'd crashed the plane by mistake and made oodles of money for himself after parachuting down unharmed, we'd definitely be tapping him up for a Cabinet position. If it was intentional, well, he'll still fit right in at the heart of UK Government.

'The only problem is deciding what department to put him in: the economy, the NHS, education...his talents suit all of them, but where would he be perfect? Oh wait, I know...Brexit!









Having attracted 112 million subscribers and none of them over the age of 14, MrBeast has become a YouTube sensation and a complete non-entity on Bingo night. Observed one tech expert: 'He has better brand recognition with children than Santa. And is twice as likely to give you an iPhone.'


Having had the phenomenon explained to him slowly, one geriatric remarked: 'He's famous for counting to 100,000? Wtf - was it a dementia challenge?'


Aaron (7) said: 'Come on Nan, PewDiePie! You know PewDiePie. PewDiePie'. Nan replied: 'Are you having a stroke???'





'I know it's not the same,' said Jake (38). 'But it's better than shouting into the void and its more reliable than Mastodon.' Users will need to be patient and take turns, but Jake is clear, they can post anything - as long as it fits in an envelope. 'I can't guarantee everything will get read, but on the upside, you won't get any pedants correcting your spelling.'


Jake will also offer an authentication service, whereby anyone paying $8 a month gets a 'I know Jake and he knows me' pin badge - which is substantially more reliable than the Twitter equivalent. Most users will have the basic package of yelling something racist through the hole, but this will be offset by getting glimpses of Jake's cat doing something cute.


'And if you really want an authentic Twitter experience, you can shit through my letter box.'



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