LinkedIn can't keep up with Cabinet reshuffle

Said a flustered intern: 'Just when I've updated a new Education Secretary, they go and resign. ND it's the fifth Chancellor of the Exchequer we've had in the last hour'.

This flurry of job changes has caused panic among those responsible for organising insincere leaver's speeches. With most farewell cards starting 'Dear Minister, Sorry to see you go. Enjoy being unemployed/promoted/PM - delete as appropriate'.

Sources close to Boris say he has updated his employment status to 'circus clown' and 'part time sperm donor'. Meanwhile LinkedIn has listed all Ministerial jobs as zero-contract hours.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/bedexpstock-6161331/

8 annoying comments to make on a Facebook community post

Are you a member of your local community Facebook group? Want to show all the thousands of members how clever and witty you are? Keen to demonstrate your encyclopaedic knowledge of group rules and communication etiquette in a slightly passive-aggressive way? Here are 8 of the best replies you can give to some randomer’s posts about what time Asda opens on a Saturday:

1. ‘F’ - assume that everyone will have your PhD-level insight into Facebook shorthand and slang, and will therefore know that F means that you are ‘following’ responses to a post. Would it really have been that much more effort to write the word in full? For maximum bellend points, add the 2 eyes emoji.

2. Remind people of what the original poster said - the daily debate is playing out in the group about people not cleaning up after their dogs and leaving dogshit everywhere. It’s your civic duty to constantly point out the nuance of the ‘OP’’s argument, as if you’re the plot summariser at the start of a Line of Duty episode.

3. Posting the popcorn gif. Someone has said something mildly controversial about plans to build some new houses on a local greenfield site. Why don’t you inject a bit of much needed humour into proceedings by posting an animated image of someone sitting down to enjoy some popcorn as if they’re spectating on a prize fight. The only acceptable reason for posting this is if someone has asked ‘has anyone got that tedious popcorn eating gif to hand?’.

4. Inform those leaving the group that this isn’t an airport and they don’t need to announce their departure. Firstly, they probably won’t see your hilarious comment as they’ve left the group. Secondly, it’s painfully unfunny.

5. Helpfully remind people their post can’t be shared. Someone’s cat has gone missing. A picture of Tiddles looking slightly sad but obviously loved has been posted with a request to share widely please. Raise the stress levels of the original poster by constantly commenting that YOU CAN’T SHARE FROM A CLOSED GROUP. Shout this phrase out really loud, alone in your living room, as you throw your phone against the wall, for full effect.

6. Say ‘Thank you Karen’ to anyone expressing an opinion. No matter how mild the view expressed, this Twain-esque retort will be sure to put them in their place. Show genuine surprise when they come back and tell you you’re a small-minded loser with nothing useful to say.

7. Tell someone they have ‘won the internet’. Best reserved for a lame joke or an obviously made up story about a celebrity they spotted in the local cafe, you can massage someone’s ego by giving them this award, which must always be followed by at least 5 emojis of hand clapping and trophies.

8. Remind someone of the existence of Google. Just about every query in a community group could be answered through a Google search, right? Why would anyone want to try and maintain a sense of local community and encourage interaction when a simple search about what time the tip is open to would have sufficed. You won’t be happy until there is absolutely no gratuitous posts in this group!

Rees-Mogg announces the publication of a new weekly pamphlet in support of Johnson

It was announced this evening that Jacob Rees-Mogg intends to personally write, publish, print and distribute a new weekly pamphlet in praise of the beleaguered PM. This is understood to be in direct response to what he sees as the unfair witch-hunt against Mr Johnson in the media.

A spokesman for the sepulchral oddity and MP for North East Somerset said: ‘Mr Rees-Mogg has acquired a small printing press and will be producing a most splendid and brightly optimistic communiqué offering Mr Johnson his fulsome and most loyal support. Jacob believes Boris is doing a wonderful job in tackling the pandemic despite never being seen in public other than for photo opportunities. He intends for the pamphlet to set the record straight.

'He will print at least forty copies of the communication, entitled Our Glorious Leader, and he will then personally place one in each of the coaching inns and wayside taverns so prevalent around the environs of the Palace of Westminster.’

When pressed as to whether it might perhaps be more effective and quicker to harness today's plethora of digital technology and media marketing platforms the spokesman replied. 'Mr Rees-Mogg has no time for newfangled gimmicks such as magic lantern apparatus, eleck-tricity and so forth. These he sees as pure evil and the instruments of Satan. Rather, he prefers to do things in a tried and trusted manner.’

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/bboellinger-4262159/

Boris Johnson off to see the Wizard of Oz, with Jacob Rees-Mogg and Dominic Raab		British Hedgehog Preservation Society declares victory over hedgehog change