On Friday, the star told their 12 million followers: 'That's it, I'm off, I can't stand what Twitter has become.' At 2pm, the same day, they tweeted: 'And another thing, I think those that Tweet are dreadful people.' And again at 7pm: '$8 is outrageous'.
After a weekend of careful reflection, they sent the following: 'Why didn't you all follow me to my new platform? Hello? Is anyone there? Hey, look at this, it's a picture of me with a salad and James Corden.
'PLEASE LIKE.'
Like a jilted lover in an 80s movie, LinkedIn has been standing outside the house of its ex, boom box above its head, begging her to come back after sending over 300 notification emails in a week.
Lapsed LinkedIn-er Rachel Rutherford said 'I did use LinkedIn when I was looking for a new job – 4 years ago. I don’t care if I’ve appeared in 10 searches this week or if a recruitment consultant I once met doubled his sales funnel by implementing a new business model inspired by white water rafting.'
A spokesbusinessperson for LinkedIn said ‘Wish social media could feel more like work? Update your profile and imply to your boss he can soon shove his job up his arse. 300 notifications per week is definitely not insecure or clingy.’ The spokesbusinessperson hugged a binder, then pointed at a graph.
A man who keeps insisting on his social media that he is 'switching things up' is only making minor modifications, if any at all, to the most mundane of his activities, it has been confirmed.
'Time to switch things up on my lunchtime salad box', tweeted Mike McBride, 37, today to his followers, leaving them in anticipation of a picture of some shaved truffles alongside his usually limp lettuce, or perhaps Heston Blumenthal standing alongside him with some magnesium-infused tomatoes and a blowtorch. 'Added some radishes, #hotstuff', he continued, disappointingly.
'Right, that's it, time to switch up on reducing my carbon footprint. We've all got a responsibility to tackle the climate crisis', continued McBride on Facebook, with his friends speculating whether he had installed a fully integrated heat pump, perhaps a personal wind turbine system, or maybe he had secured Greta Thunberg to give a lecture in the local community centre? 'Anyone used comparethemarket before - I might have a look later on?', McBride followed up, leaving many with a profound sense of anticlimax.
'Its generally accepted that 'switching things up' should involve doing an activity in a profoundly quite different way, ideally at least one standard deviation difference from how you usually perform it', noted Richard Davies, Professor of Comparative Metaphors at the University of Lunn.
'If it involves even more radical change, then the phrase 'doing things like a pro' might be deployed to imply never-reached-before levels of expertise in the said activity, though I'd recommend using this more sparingly', continued Professor Davies. 'Now if we're done, I must go and 'pimp up' my CV to include this very routine media interview'.
