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Soldiers agree to 20% pay cut to work from home


Following an initiative from a London law firm, the Ministry of Defence has said many soldiers have agreed to take a pay cut to work from home. They denied the decision by squaddies is to avoid having to work from the Polish border instead.


'The army is full of resourceful people and we believe it is possible to practice marching in step with a couple of hundred virtual avatars on a Peloton and Call of Duty is a perfect way to practise tactics and weapon drills,' said a MoD spokesperson today. Critics have pointed out that people parking tanks in suburban areas was already a problem, and if they have to move their BMW SUVs so that the army workers can park at home the situation will likely become worse.




First published 5 May 2022


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Soldiers to conduct driving tests



As driving examiners are on strike again, and as the waiting time for a driving test approaches two years in some places, the military has been called in to conduct driving tests instead.


A government spokesman said that the soldiers taking the tests will have an intensive two hours training to ensure that they could properly judge each candidates competence to drive. As the soldiers will not necessarily have a driving licence themselves, they will be wearing full protective gear for the test (unless the candidate turns up in a really titchy car).


The soldiers will not have to programme the sat-navs as they will bellow instructions about the route at the learner drivers. The emergency stop will be omitted from the test as it is likely that all yelled instructions to brake will result in one. Driving tests will be conducted around the clock and in all weather conditions, because war isn’t a nine to five thing.


The stand-in examiners will assess the learner drivers using military standards. Candidates will therefore pass if they complete the route without causing any unjustified deaths or serious injuries. Candidates will fail if they cannot drive back to the test centre, in which case they will be required to run back carrying a telegraph pole. Candidates will also fail if they commit treason, sabotage, insubordination, go AWOL or desert the car, or cause unjustified death or serious injuries to the examiner.


These temporary arrangements are expected to reduce the waiting time for driving tests dramatically. This will either be because more candidates can be processed, or because candidates decide they didn’t need a driving test after all.


One benefit of the system is that successful candidates will immediately be offered a job in the army, driving bin lorries, ambulances, gritter lorries, HGVs carrying essential supplies or post vans.




First published 16 Dec 2022


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King Charles “really not that interested in soldiers marching about”

Following today’s Trooping of the Colour ceremony, Buckingham Palace has issued a statement saying King Charles really isn’t that interested in watching soldiers marching about.


”I know mummy used to enjoy it, though God knows the ancient Greek always looked as bored as f*ck.


”Anyway, I’m King now and what I say goes. So please don’t expect me to sit through this bollocks again next year, all this stupid marching about for no reason. I mean, they don’t even look like real soldiers in those silly red uniforms and furry hats. No wonder we lost India. 


“And don’t get me started on the bloody Red Arrows. So you can fly close to each other belching out coloured smoke, whoopee doo-dah. Do you know how many bloody times I’ve seen that? Either learn a new trick or let me enjoy my birthday in my own way.


”And that’s another thing - it’s not even my birthday, it’s my official birthday, which is a load of bollocks, frankly. My actual birthday is on… well, I don’t recall, but one of my staff will know.”


Soon after the press release was sent out, the King’s Press Secretary returned from a short holiday, saying “Well, the ceremony looked splendid on TV as always. Anything much happen while I was away?”


image from pixabay


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