As driving examiners are on strike again, and as the waiting time for a driving test approaches two years in some places, the military has been called in to conduct driving tests instead.
A government spokesman said that the soldiers taking the tests will have an intensive two hours training to ensure that they could properly judge each candidates competence to drive. As the soldiers will not necessarily have a driving licence themselves, they will be wearing full protective gear for the test (unless the candidate turns up in a really titchy car).
The soldiers will not have to programme the sat-navs as they will bellow instructions about the route at the learner drivers. The emergency stop will be omitted from the test as it is likely that all yelled instructions to brake will result in one. Driving tests will be conducted around the clock and in all weather conditions, because war isn’t a nine to five thing.
The stand-in examiners will assess the learner drivers using military standards. Candidates will therefore pass if they complete the route without causing any unjustified deaths or serious injuries. Candidates will fail if they cannot drive back to the test centre, in which case they will be required to run back carrying a telegraph pole. Candidates will also fail if they commit treason, sabotage, insubordination, go AWOL or desert the car, or cause unjustified death or serious injuries to the examiner.
These temporary arrangements are expected to reduce the waiting time for driving tests dramatically. This will either be because more candidates can be processed, or because candidates decide they didn’t need a driving test after all.
One benefit of the system is that successful candidates will immediately be offered a job in the army, driving bin lorries, ambulances, gritter lorries, HGVs carrying essential supplies or post vans.