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King Charles “really not that interested in soldiers marching about”

Following today’s Trooping of the Colour ceremony, Buckingham Palace has issued a statement saying King Charles really isn’t that interested in watching soldiers marching about.


”I know mummy used to enjoy it, though God knows the ancient Greek always looked as bored as f*ck.


”Anyway, I’m King now and what I say goes. So please don’t expect me to sit through this bollocks again next year, all this stupid marching about for no reason. I mean, they don’t even look like real soldiers in those silly red uniforms and furry hats. No wonder we lost India. 


“And don’t get me started on the bloody Red Arrows. So you can fly close to each other belching out coloured smoke, whoopee doo-dah. Do you know how many bloody times I’ve seen that? Either learn a new trick or let me enjoy my birthday in my own way.


”And that’s another thing - it’s not even my birthday, it’s my official birthday, which is a load of bollocks, frankly. My actual birthday is on… well, I don’t recall, but one of my staff will know.”


Soon after the press release was sent out, the King’s Press Secretary returned from a short holiday, saying “Well, the ceremony looked splendid on TV as always. Anything much happen while I was away?”


image from pixabay


Prince Harry emphasizes importance of vagus nerve therapy to NATO


The Duke of Sussex has spoken of the need for the world’s foremost military alliance to look toward alternative healing therapies as it confronts revisionist states around the world. ‘As a former member of the armed forces, I know it is all too easy for senior officers to focus on weapons training and small arms drills,’ the duke intoned. ‘Tragically, vagus nerve exercises get little attention.’


The prince, unable to attend in person because wife Meghan Markle’s schedule always takes precedence, talked movingly of how he looked up diagonally as far possible to the left, held the fixed stare for 30 seconds, then did the same looking to the right.


‘We should make it the scope of our mission at the forefront of global aggression-deterrence to understand that the vagus is actually a cranial nerve that goes all the way down into your viscera. Movement in the ribcage can break up tension there and, I believe, in parts of the world where bad actors are meddling to promote discord.’


The prince’s admonitions, however, have not been met with universal accord. One attaché, speaking on condition of anonymity, questioned whether it was a good idea to ‘discourage hypervigilance in frontline troops.’ The 40-year-old quasi-royal, whose social rank seems increasingly shady, spoke on a giant screen to leaders seated around a Kubrickesque horse shoe, well-meaningly superimposing his face into relevance.


Prince Harry addresses the NATO bigwigs at a time of increasing global tension. ‘Holding the human spine in a gentle C-shape while exerting slight downward pressure on the head with either hand reduces thoughts of impending doom,’ he declared. Although Harry has stepped back from public life in recent years, this bold advancement into geopolitics is expected to further diminish his viability as anything worth keeping.


Picture credit: Wix AI

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