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Race on for Tories' choice of GE campaign song

News has leaked that the Tories have set up a new secret think tank, known as W-Tank, under the chairmanship of William Hague. Its task is to select the campaign song to lead the Party to victory in the upcoming general election.


Hague began with the amusing story that during his campaign he had to order all his team to remove from their mobile ringtones the theme from Mission Impossible. Think positive was the order of the day but songs like We Are The Champions & Simply The Best were dismissed as too clichéd and easily stolen by Labour. Likewise Won't Get Fooled Again, though everyone liked the line, Meet the new boss – same as the old boss.


Cameron's personal suggestion, Coward of the County was immediately ruled out when someone read the lyrics. One member was deeply disappointed when his suggestion Hole in the Ground was deemed too niche.


Then a buss of excitement swept the room. Yes! people said, retro-ironic enough for the yoof vote and perfect for the core pensioners. Speculation broke out over whether they could be thawed out from a cryogenic chamber or if the scratchy old vinyls would be OK. One member said he knew of a company in Rwanda which could produce shiny new remasters on state-of-the-art CDs.


Whatever, the firm favourite pro tem is Miki & Griff's version of A Little Bitty Tear Let Me Down.




Choir Wars: The Chorus Strikes Back




A bitter row has broken out, throwing the genteel world of choral singing into a spin, with one disgruntled chorister, Tracey Armitage, claiming her choir's conductor 'does nothing of any importance during a performance. ' Further suggesting, 'conductors in general are just people dicking about in front of the singers waving their hands or a short stick around vaguely in time with the music.'


'Take our choir,' she says. 'We do the work but Ted's the one getting all the plaudits. None of us look anywhere near him, and even if we did, what purpose would it serve? It's not as if he can tune us up if the baritones are pitching a quarter-tone flat.'


However, the choir's conductor, Ted Armitage shakes his head sadly. 'I'm afraid Tracey wasn't too best pleased when I broke the news Janette Ryan will sing solo at our performance when Songs of Praise visits St. Stephen's in April,' explains the sprightly octogenarian as he polishes his baton (not a euphemism).


Meanwhile, the nation's Choirmaster General, Gareth Malone, has entered the fray. 'Conductors add an invaluable dynamic to any performance. OK, so we don't really do a lot, but the public expect a choir to have someone pratting about at the front during the performance then looking smug whilst taking the credit and applause.'


Photo by Colin Michael on Unsplash

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