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'Why can't we re-name our planets?' asks Isle of Wight man

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'If chocolate bars like Marathon can be re-named, why can't planets?' asked Martin Ambleside from Shanklin, during a book signing by TV's mega astronomer Professor Brian Cox.


'We've got Mars, which is fine. So why can't we have Crunchie, Picnic, Topic, Yorkie, Caramac and Aero in place of Mercury, Venus, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, and Neptune?' suggested Mr. Ambleside amid laughter form people in the queue.


The question seemed to take the ever-smiling super stargazer by surprise momentarily before he quipped, 'Hmm... good idea, but change like that Twix time, and anyway, don't we already have the Milky Bar?'




First published 10 April 2023


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Trump gives order for Artemis II rocket to be fired at Tehran


US President Donald Trump has given the go-ahead for the Artemis II rocket to be fired at buildings in the centre of Tehran thought to be harbouring high ranking Iranian officials.


Trump posted a message on Truth Social late last night denying the rocket was ever sent on a space-flight mission to orbit the moon and was actually packed with high-explosive unitary warheads aimed at levelling the Iranian capital.


Astronauts on Artemis II had earlier raised concerns about a problem with the plumbing aboard the $93 billion rocket saying they thought the big barrel under the bathroom sink marked with a skull & crossbones was just toilet duck for flushing the S bend and were horrified to find out it was in fact a bomb intended to flush out the supreme leader in Tehran.


Trump was bemused at criticism over his comments saying he thought everyone outside of the NASA bubble was in on the ruse.


‘Come on…..a Canadian, a woman, a man of colour and someone from a Democrat voting state…..did you really think the rocket was sent into orbit so that a bunch of losers could fly around the moon just to take selfies of the earth….give me a break you pussy’.


image by Grok

Starmer fires Lord Vader but finds it difficult to remove his title


Darth Vader appears to be reluctant to relinquish his tight, black leather grip on his title and finds Starmer’s lack of faith in him disturbing.


The prime Minister made the following statement, “We knew of his ties to the disgraced Emperor, Darth Sidious, who wanted to establish absolute eternal rule over the galaxy, before we rehired him. However, Darth assured us, with a simple hand gesture and prompting phrase, that we should just move on. I feel deceived by him to be honest; it turns out he was helping build a gargantuan space station armed with a planet destroying laser. We should have seen the signs, and we failed to act and for that we are truly sorry.”


He continued “Being a lifetime appointed Dark Lord of the Sith, Darth Vader can still use that title even after being severely spoken to and tutted at. He was appointed because he had excellent experience in dealing with certain types of people and was able to manipulate and control weak minded…..oooohh, I see the issue now.”


There had been many complaints of Lord Vader frightening people with his sorcerer's ways, and he was known to be difficult to work with. It was public knowledge of his association with the evil empire and there were even compromising photographs of Vader in his pants holding a clipboard. Victims of the empire’s atrocities were particularly livid about his appointment, especially family members of the destroyed planet of Alderaan.


Keir finished with “As you must be aware, removing a title is very complicated and the whole process is quite cumbersome. There are all sorts of legal hurdles from the old days and there is the risk of having a light sabre remove your head, so there is that to consider. We sent HR to touch base with Vader but he force choked them and threw them against a wall.”


image created by Grok


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