You need to study day and night for a degree in astronomy

Biden to use Time Dilation effect to slow down ageing process

Joe Biden has announced that he will conduct his second term as President in a spaceship travelling at the speed of light.

'President Biden will effectively not age', a spokesman said. 'So all those Republicans saying he would be 86 at the end of his Presidential term are spreading fake news'.

The next US Presidential election is a contest to choose the best American out of a population of just 330 million. Some observers have expressed mild surprise that the two best Americans in 2024 are likely to be the same ones who competed in 2020 - Joe Biden and Donald Trump. There are also plans to send Donald Trump into space but that’s just to save on prison bills.

Physicists have pointed out that if President Biden can be accelerated to the speed of light none of his messages will return to Earth, which would be a shame. On the plus side, after four years of travel at light speed President Biden could visit Alpha Centauri.

Genealogists are working on his family tree to see if they can dig up any Alpha Centaurians he could claim as ancestors. It won’t matter much to Biden – he never really knows where he is anyway.

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World’s biggest ever rocket aims to prove Elon Musk’s ego isn’t visible from space

SpaceX plans to launch the world’s biggest ever rocket in a laughable attempt to prove once and for all that Elon Musk’s overblown sense of self importance isn’t actually detectable from orbit.

The huge launch device known as Mikok 1 should thrust upwards into the moist Texan atmosphere, carrying a payload of highly sophisticated optical instruments, including the world’s biggest set of reverse binoculars.

A team of the company’s top space scientists and sycophants will continue to go over the meticulously planned launch, covering every facet of the rocket’s expected trajectory in minute detail. A difficult operation made all the more treacherous as mission critical staff kept getting fired via their Twitter accounts at random intervals.

The project was conceived in 2021 after two other pointless billionaires, Jeff Bezos and Richard Branson both put their lives where their money was and blasted into orbit from the safety of a well set up TV studio, which was only slightly more convincing than Channel 4’s 2005 series, Space Cadets.

It is hoped that the success of this mission will enable SpaceX to continue deeper into the cosmos, where Mr Musk is believed to be in heated discussions with God’s legal representatives about a potential hostile takeover of monotheism.

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