Apollo 7 astronaut funeral was faked, say conspiracy theorists

NASA has denied claims that the last surviving Apollo 7 astronaut is alive and well and living with Elvis and Michael Jackson in a condo in Palm Springs. Walter Cunningham, the first orbiting astronaut to sing ‘Yummy, yummy, yummy, I've got love in my tummy’ while off his tits on acid, was forced to deny allegations that he isn’t dead.

Conspiracy nut spokesperson, Buddy Marylou Dingus Jnr III, told NewsBiscuit: ‘We have photographic evidence that astronauts are not real. If you look closely, you can see they’re made of cardboard. Them thar rootin-tootin sy-an-tists don’t know shit nor nuthin, and I got me a gun.’

The Apollo 7 crew were the first men to successfully dock and rendezvous in space, but the film footage of this encounter has never been made public. It is believed to be kept in a brown paper bag in a locked drawer at Cape Kennedy and can only be viewed at very special parties.

Space sh*t, confirms NASA

The National Aeronautics and Space Administration has confirmed that space is total wank.

'For decades, we at NASA have been deceiving everyone,' admitted Head of Making Space Seem Sexy, Sarah Spelman. 'Naive adults, and children who like making space rockets out of toilet roll tubes and foil, they think it's all buggering about in zero gravity and squirting cola globules into each others' mouths.

'But anyone who knows what it's really like up there understands it's pretty much an endless tedium, intermixed with attempting to avoid the gazillion different and terrifying ways space is trying to end you horrifically. Let me tell you, space is a complete c*nt.

'Don't get me wrong, there's some pretty extraordinary stuff out there in between all of the space, but it's all so ludicrously far away, no human will ever get to visit it in person. Well, not in anything we build. I mean, keep watching sci-fi films and playing with space Lego, but do that in an environment which doesn't suck the life out of you if you haven't shut the door properly.

'All these cool, heroic men and women who go up into space? Yeah, that's a sort of a screwy Catch 22. If you're mad enough to want to go into space, then we definitely let you go. Perfect place for those nuts billionaires to take themselves off to permanently, if you ask me.

'Space f*cks with your mind, wrecks your body, and you can't wait to get back to this lovely planet - the only place in the cosmos which isn't pant-wettingly lethal. We pretty much just send robots up there now. Landing washing machines on fast-moving comets; remote controlled buggies zipping about all over Mars... next we're going to put up a robo-giraffe ice skating majestically round the rings of Saturn. It won't unlock any secrets of the universe, but it will flummox sodding aliens. And that's what it's all about really, isn't it?'

Shapps plans to build wind turbines in space

In an astonishing reveal, Business Secretary Grant Shapps has declared that the UK will build, assemble and, if necessary, operate wind turbines in space.

'Everyone knows it isn't feasible to construct wind turbines on land,' a spokesman for Mr Shapps said today, 'which is why they have been assembled on floating factories in the North Sea for the last decade.' He went on to say the floating factories had caused the designs to swell and they were now too big even for floating construction sites, hence the plan to build and operate them in space.

'Mr Shapps is looking for investors in this fantastic opportunity. Just £500 buys you a chance to sell this opportunity to maybe 500 other investors,' said a Mr Michael Green who claimed he had just bought in to the scheme and deemed it 'wonderful'.

Image: rauschenberger | Pixabay"