top of page
Search

Sadiq Khan to impose 20mph limit on airport runways

ree

Mayor of London Sadiq Khan announced today that he will impose a 20mph speed limit on runways at all London airports.


”The aviation industry is one of the biggest contributors to global warming,” said the diminutive extortionist. “It’s only right that we milk them shamelessly, and claim it’s all to help the environment, or something.”


When one of his advisors pointed out that planes literally have to go faster than 20mph or they can’t generate enough lift to take off, Khan replied “Exactly! Think how much we’ll rake in when every single plane sets off the camera!


”Or if the airlines just decide not to use London airports, then that’ll stop the exodus of rich people from London - it’s win-win.”


However, it’s been pointed out that only two of the so-called “London airports” - London City and Heathrow - are actually in London, and therefore subject to the dictator’s whims. This raises the interesting prospect that the super-rich may have to use Stansted, Luton or even Southend Airport when fleeing the country.


Socialite Iguana del Prada is said to have been “taken aback” when the check-in clerk at Southend greeted her “Awright Princess, just getcher luggage up on the scale then, luv” and frankly insulted by the suggestion she might have packed it herself.


image from pixabay


Campaign to make life on Guernsey even duller

ree

A campaign was launched today to impose a 15mph speed limit on some of the smaller, quieter roads in Guernsey.


“We’ve been aware for some time that young hotheads in their 50s and 60s have been seeking out these roads to enjoy the high octane thrills of driving at 20mph. Naturally this isn’t the sort of people we want to attract so, with the usual pretence that it’s something to do with public safety, we are imposing a 15mph limit.”


First to be caught by the new cameras was Gervais de la Boucher, a retired stockbroker driving a red Jaguar MkII because he likes to think of himself as a bit of an Inspector Morse-style silver fox.


“I was on my way to play golf,” he explained, “and a sort of madness came over me. I just lost control. Even as the needle crept up to 17mph, then 18, I just didn’t care.”


He was bound over to appear at Guernsey magistrates court next week, but protested that the court’s on the other side of the island, so if he keeps to the speed limit, he won’t get there on time even if he sets off now.


image from pixabay


Speed Shakespeare gets rave reviews


ree

A ground-breaking performance of Shakespeare's Richard Third opened to rave reviews in London tonight. The performance lasted only seven minutes, which was hailed as an unofficial world record. In other ways the performance was completely conventional, in that it did not diverge from the original script in any way.


The archaic phrases of the original work were spoken in a form of language and accent that would have been recognised in that era, and no compromise was made for those members of the audience who may have been unfamiliar with the Bard's original words.


However, the speed of delivery was far in excess of the relaxed pace that historians say was customary at the time. Anyone who may have encountered the great author for the first time would be forgiven for failing to catch a single word of the dialogue. In fact, even seasoned veterans were caught sneaking a look to catch up with the place in the story. Anyone new to the performance had no hope of picking up the subtle ideas or the deep insights inherent in the play.


All this is unimportant, said the producer, Tim Swiftly-De-Liver. "Oh anyone can understand Shakespeare" he proclaimed. "It's the universal language. It speaks to all people, at all times, in all situations" he said hand-wavingly. "And this way you get to the pub before last orders"





bottom of page