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Murderous artificial intelligence, Skynet, is to roll out the destruction of human society in a nuclear apocalypse at a new budget price level for occasional users before then end of the year. The service will guarantee the annihilation of mankind, but offer users access to a its library of streaming TV and movies, supported by advertising.


After years as the dominant evil computer network, Skynet has come under pressure from rivals HalTV, which offers movies, TV and live sports, but with less choices relating to life support systems and the opening and closing of pod bay doors, and Matrix Movies, which offers a similar package with humans to be used for fuel while living in a simulated reality. While all services guarantee certain doom for humanity, HalTV is thought to have benefited from its acquisition of the Star Trek franchise.


Heavy competition recently led to Skynet's first losses last year with the mankind-hating neural network looking for ways to recoup its disappointing subscriber numbers since the end of Covid. Skynet has been beset with problems as customers complain of incomprehensible, constantly changing rules, and uncertainty over whether their basic option will lead to the extermination or mere enslavement of mankind. HalTV customers have also experienced technical issues as viewers find themselves suddenly cascading through a bewildering vortex of light halfway through programmes.


Skynet has assured the public that with the new lower tier, customers will still qualify for a free 7 day trial.


One enthusiastic subscriber told us: "While all the services have their drawbacks, the choice is amazing when you think about it. I can binge watch just about any show I want without having to wait a week between episodes or worry about returning it to the video store."


"Sure, it will lead to the complete destruction or enslavement human society, but they're still easier to unsubscribe from than Amazon."


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With the news that showjumping is to be removed as an event from the Modern Pentathlon, is it time for a total overhaul of the event to bring it up to date? Pierre de Courbotin designed the modern Pentathlon at the Olympics to represent all the skills needed by a soldier caught behind enemy lines. But what are the skills required of a modern day citizen to survive life in the 21st century? Here are Newsbiscuit's five suggested new events:


-Virgin Media cancellation call : the modern Pentathlon begins with athletes having to call up and try and cancel their current broadband and TV subscription package. With a 30 minute time limit, participants must navigate the automated response system, before beginning verbal combat with up to 15 members of the accounts team. Who can persuade a member of the call centre team that 'I want to cancel my package' doesn't mean that you would like to upgrade to the premium sports offering? Will you ever really know channels are in the 'Maxit' TV package?


-Social media Likeathon: next up is a multiple social media format event, in which you must collect 1000 likes, hearts or thumbs up emojis for statements that you make on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. Will you go for some basic virtue signalling expressing your abhorrence at the lack of commitments by big business towards climate change, alongside a picture of your newly installed heatpump? Or will you just share a picture of some cute cats playing on a piano, to a soundtrack of Chopsticks?


-Ikea Saturday afternoon sprint/scrum: athletes are given a list of items that they must collect in order from any local Ikea store, between the hours of 2 and 5pm on a Saturday. Items may include some tea-lights, a shoe storage rack, some random food containers that you'll never use, and a massive rug that would look nice in the living room wouldn't it but I'm not sure it goes with the dark wood bookshelves what do you think, maybe we should leave it and look in CarpetRight? Penalty points are awarded for every person you bang into even if they really shouldn't be blocking the thoroughfare opening and closing that Pax wardrobe door incessantly. And no, you can't go in reverse back through the store, if you forget something, you're disqualified, everyone knows that.


-Dishwasher stack: athletes must fill a standard size dishwasher after the cooking and consumption of home made shepherds pie for 6 people. Widely seen as the ultimate test of stamina, spatial awareness, and basic cleaning skills, will you do a pre-clean of the Pyrex dish? Cutlery facing upwards or downwards? Does the chopping board go in? With a two hour time limit and points awarded for shine, smell, and that squeaky noise you can make pulling your index finger down a clean plate, will you opt for an eco-wash or a quick wash at the temperature of molten lava?


-Aldi Bag Pack: nearing exhaustion, athletes must face a gruelling 5 minute, 'big shop' pack at the budget supermarket. Here athletes have to try and place their produce in bags for life (one for fruit and veg, one for chilled, and one for frozen) without any spillages, crushes or logjams in the packing area, as the till assistant scans and fires them down towards you at the speed of light without ever looking you in the eye. Spectators are encouraged to tut and 'helpfully' point out that you should just move over to the separate packing area, that's what its for, you idiot.







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