Gove denies he is ‘an evil Sith Lord hellbent on ruling the galaxy’

Former Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster, Michael ‘Et Tu Brute’ Gove has refuted claims that ‘the darkness inside him’ is in fact an evil superpower of galactic proportions, which if unleashed, would make the new Tory frontbench burn even faster than a moisture farmer on Tatooine. He has now set his sights on going all the way to the top and may very soon make his move to become the new Leader of the Galactic Empire.

Gove, who has taken to appearing via hologram at meetings to ‘cut down on his carbon footprint’ and is now frequently seen wearing a hooded cloak to ‘save money on the heating bill’, has tried to assure the public he is behaving this way purely to emphasise the key issues the government are failing to address, and certainly not because he plans to ‘strike anyone down with all his hatred’ any time soon. In an attempt to convince sceptics that there is no sinister undercurrent to his actions, Gove took to Twitter to condemn ‘the feeble skills’ of former colleagues who are trying to discredit him and tweeted that, ‘U-turns on tax cuts are no match for the power of the darkside, er I mean robust fiscal policy.’ Gove’s tweet has so far only been liked and retweeted by one other Twitter user – a political influencer and trance DJ who goes by the name of Darth Insidious.

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Prince Charles accepted million pound donation from Galactic Empire

Prince Charles is under increasing scrutiny today after the Sunday Times revealed that one of his charities accepted a million pound donation from the Galactic Empire.

A spokesman for the prince has said that the million pound donation, which was made a long long time ago in a galaxy far far away, had been through all the appropriate checks and that it was made after Darth Vader became a ghost in Return of the Jedi.

A treasurer within the fund also said the donation was agreed “wholly” by the five trustees at the time, and “any attempt to suggest otherwise most likely the result of influence from the dark-side of the force.”

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Jabba the Hutt to sue Keir Starmer

The agent representing Jabba the Hutt has applied to the courts to put a cease and desist order on Sir Keir Starmer, who compared the criminal, slug-like persona known as the Prime Minister to the fictional character in Star Wars. 'Being cast as a bad guy in probably the largest franchise on the planet is generally good for my profile, but to be compared to Boris Johnson is an insult to my craft,' the character proclaimed today.

Star Wars fans also complained about the comparison. 'If Johnson is Jabba, then surely Jabba is also Luke Skywalker's father?' said one fan, explaining that once you let Johnson into the story arc anyone else claiming to be someone's father is unlikely to be believed. 'At that point the internal logic falls apart, it does,' pointed out another fictional character that might have been Yoda, but was probably Michael Gove.

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