Jabba the Hutt to sue Keir Starmer

The agent representing Jabba the Hutt has applied to the courts to put a cease and desist order on Sir Keir Starmer, who compared the criminal, slug-like persona known as the Prime Minister to the fictional character in Star Wars. 'Being cast as a bad guy in probably the largest franchise on the planet is generally good for my profile, but to be compared to Boris Johnson is an insult to my craft,' the character proclaimed today.

Star Wars fans also complained about the comparison. 'If Johnson is Jabba, then surely Jabba is also Luke Skywalker's father?' said one fan, explaining that once you let Johnson into the story arc anyone else claiming to be someone's father is unlikely to be believed. 'At that point the internal logic falls apart, it does,' pointed out another fictional character that might have been Yoda, but was probably Michael Gove.

Image:Pixabay/JCK5D

Jedis disappointed with new ‘energy-saving’ lightsabers

Jedi knights have expressed anger at plans to phase out traditional lightsabers in favour of new, more environmentally-friendly models.

‘These new lightsabers are rubbish,’ complained Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi. ‘They take ages to light up and when they do you can barely see anything with them.’

The energy saving directive has been issued by so-called ‘Galactic bureaucrats’ and is seen by Jedis as particularly galling since many of their enemies on the dark side have so far refused to sign up.

‘What’s the use in having an environmentally friendly lightsaber,’ asked Kenobi, ‘when Sith Lord Darth Maul can still prance about with his energy guzzling double headed model? And don’t get me started on his carbon footprint. Have you seen his airmiles?’

‘I refuse to switch to these new low energy sabers,’ said a typically petulant Luke Skywalker. ‘By the time they’ve reached full brightness you may have already had your hand chopped off by a man you didn’t even realise was your own father.’

However, intergalactic environmentalist George Monbiot disagrees. ‘The old lightsabers may look impressive but they are very energy inefficient. Jedis need to appreciate that The Force is a finite resource and that we need to conserve it – at least until we develop environmentally sustainable solar wind farms.’

To avoid the ban many Jedis are already stocking up on the old style sabers. ‘Sales have gone through the roof,’ said saber merchant Jabba the Hutt, ‘as have many of the Jedis when they refuse to pay my exorbitant asking price.’

The directive is the latest in a long line of new rules and regulations emanating from The Galactic Republic. ‘Only last month they ordered us to fit all our equipment with silencers,’ whined Kenobi. ‘It doesn’t make saving the universe any easier when you also have to run around humming your own lightsaber noise. And while we’re on the subject, I absolutely refuse to move over to Imperial.’

‘Political correctness gone mad, it is,’ added Jedi Grand Master Yoda. ‘Environmentally friendly we must be, but green I am already.’

​Britain has prepaid gas & electricity meters fitted to combat energy cost chaos	500+ pages, 800+ comedy gold stories	Government running out of melodramatic analogies for future variants