Starmer to ban social media for the over 60s

In a bold move today, Keir Starmer will announce age checks on social media to protect older voters from radicalisation.

‘Social media is a hellhole’, a spokesman told us. ‘Flags, memes, outright lies – old people aren’t properly prepared. They tend to believe any rubbish if it’s in print. Twitter is like the Daily Mail on steroids’.

Over 60s will need permission from their children or two medical professionals to own a smartphone. The Government will issue Nokia 8850s from official stockpiles for emergency use and also to get rid of the stockpile. Bad procurement decision in the 90s.

We asked some over 60s what they thought of the proposals. Comments included ‘It’s Sharia Law, innit, they’re gonna make all the women wear burkas’, ‘I blame the darkies’ and ‘Chemtrails’, which seem to justify the decision.

The move has been condemned by the Russian Embassy, which accused Starmer of being a ‘spoilsport’.

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Image: https://pixabay.com/users/pixelkult-631805/

USA explains the "special" in special relationship means retarded

A four-star General explained: 'We are very mindful of using inclusive language and avoiding harmful labelling. In no way do we want undermine or devalue an individual on the basis of physical impairment, but we can all agree the British are f$*king mental.'

The backwards manner in which the UK follows America into one illegal war after another, is a clear sign that the lights on but no one is home. Sending British troops to their death just to get a tickle under the chin by Donald Trump is very definition of madness.

'Call it Political Correctness, call it Woke,, we don't want to give offense—but you have to agree that the Brits have a special gift—they're as thick as $hit. I would never use the "R" word to describe another human being, but in relation to Keir Starmer he really is "R" and a bit of a "C" as well.'

Stop the small flights!

Due to a bit of instability near their “home” countries, the UK is expecting an influx of desperate poor decision makers into the UK. Starmer’s regime is even laying flights on for these toerags who contribute little to the UK.'

'I bet if you search their social media history, they will be bad mouthing the UK and saying how awful it is. Then suddenly, when reality smacks them in their tax avoiding faces, who’s here to save them?' said one red face.

'They’ll expect to be in fancy hotels as soon as they land; we’ll all be paying for these flights you know, the UK taxpayer. They’ll be going past countries like Monaco on the way here, so why don’t they stay there?'

London Mayor Sadiq Khan promised to provide them with the full Sharia Law treatment, so they didn’t miss home.

Photo by Yuri G. on Unsplash