World leaders ‘baffled’ by love for Dolly Parton

The global outpouring of love and respect for Dolly Parton has confused many statesmen. Donald Trump has asked aides whether people will say similar things about him when he passes. He’s still waiting for an answer. It's getting tense now.

Kim Jong Un felt a natural affinity with the diminutive character with unbelievable hair, but continues to search for her instruments of intimidation. How else can you achieve popularity?

Vladimir Putin has ordered an investigation into the Nashville Intelligence Agency’s obvious psy-ops activities, praising the skilful use of a fictional character and advanced disinformation techniques.

NewsBiscuit can reassure world leaders: when your time comes, the line will be even longer than it was for Dolly Parton. And where you’re going, the gallons of piss will vaporise instantly.

image by Grok

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Man prompts outrage with terrifying '40-something-burnout' Halloween outfit

Norfolk man Rod Flannigan plans to 'dust off' his only pair of jeans combined with a threadbare Ghostbusters T-shirt, an ensemble he wears on any given day - with local parents concerned that it is too frightening for young Trick or Treaters.

'I'm all for a bit of spooky fun, but this is horrific' said neighbour and mum of three, Karen. 'Our five year old Jake isn't afraid of Freddy Krueger answering the door, but having to endure the sight what decades of mundane work, chicken nuggets and cripplingly low aspiration could do to him is just sick. Flannigan should have the decency to hide behind a mask, like the bloody rest of us.'

Rod remains defiant. 'No one is scared of ghouls and ghosts these days' said the 45 year old. 'What's really frightening is the state of the NHS, my cat's food bill and the last three Star Wars films.'

Image: ourterry Photos | FreeImages

Trump’s 50 state crime strategy

Republican voters love 'law' and 'order' and therefore Donald Trump's polling goes up when he is charged with yet another crime that he is obviously guilty of. This makes Trump’s most likely path to the White House a crime spree encompassing all 50 states.

One Trump advisor said ‘Good wholesome American crime, like suppressing black voters, or shooting black teenagers in the back or hiring hookers and paying for their silence or being urinated on by those hookers and then paying for their silence. Or election fraud.’

Less electorally important states will get less exciting crimes, but no-one appears sure what Trump might do in big swing states like Pennsylvania or a huge state like California.

The advisor winked and said ‘I’m not saying it involves a live donkey, but I'm not not saying that either.’

'White House or the jail house, baby!'